It was late, and I was in the middle of my preparing for bed routine and jabbering away as is common at those times. This particular night, I was excited because I was really encouraged in my relationship with one of the girls. I remember saying, "I feel like I am finally getting somewhere, like we are really building trust, I am really excited!" I was excited. I can't even remember all that had gone on that day, but I know I had felt like breakthroughs had happened and I'd moved one step further to building the kind of trust with our oldest girl that is needed to make any valuable progress.
Michael told me later he'd been looking for some wood the whole time to knock on as I spoke. Because pride cometh before a fall. Because though there is nothing wrong with getting excited about good things and staying positive in all of our relationships, somehow my focus had turned to "me" and "her" instead of what God was doing despite me.
Anyway, by the end of the week, of course we hit a brick wall with her and she rebelled. Of course she pierced my heart with daggers. Of course she shrunk away from all the progress and growth we had seen. And of course I became discouraged.
Until I realized that even these happenings can be a part of God's plan and a part of what He ultimately is doing in her life. My job is to just keep pouring in...just keep loving...just keep pushing toward what is best. No matter what. And it is easy to think in the middle of the pain that ALL progress is lost, that ALL trust is relinquished, that we truly are back at square one. But that is what I am learning. You don't lose what you've built into the foundaiton every time. Sure, you may lose some bricks along the way...they may tumble and crumble, but the foundation the Lord has laid will still remain. And it is strong.
And it was this thing about pride that I learned. I was blindsided that it had even crept in, because I certainly wasn't thinking we were rocking the show, that we had this all down, or anything even close. I am daily humbled and reminded of my complete inadequacy to do anything that makes a difference here on my own. But I had made something more about me than about Him and that is like a dinner invitation for pride. I made my relationship with this particular girl about what I was investing and the results that I saw instead of what God was doing in the overall big picture. Pride, it is an unpredictable, disgusting little thing. And it surely makes life more difficult when you build a tower with it that crumbles in an instant.
I am thankful for a God who has GRACE enough to cover me.
This truth settled my heart this week amidst another great storm. When one of our long-term, more stable girls, in her anger and frustration, turned on me and sent what had been an entirely great week downhill, I was broken. I ended our shift with a heart full of ache, anxiety, and concern. I found myself at one point, in dire need of the ability to truly escape and rest and "break," begging the Lord for the Scripture that I needed to encourage me and settle my soul. And I was surprised at His response.
Michael told me later he'd been looking for some wood the whole time to knock on as I spoke. Because pride cometh before a fall. Because though there is nothing wrong with getting excited about good things and staying positive in all of our relationships, somehow my focus had turned to "me" and "her" instead of what God was doing despite me.
Anyway, by the end of the week, of course we hit a brick wall with her and she rebelled. Of course she pierced my heart with daggers. Of course she shrunk away from all the progress and growth we had seen. And of course I became discouraged.
Until I realized that even these happenings can be a part of God's plan and a part of what He ultimately is doing in her life. My job is to just keep pouring in...just keep loving...just keep pushing toward what is best. No matter what. And it is easy to think in the middle of the pain that ALL progress is lost, that ALL trust is relinquished, that we truly are back at square one. But that is what I am learning. You don't lose what you've built into the foundaiton every time. Sure, you may lose some bricks along the way...they may tumble and crumble, but the foundation the Lord has laid will still remain. And it is strong.
And it was this thing about pride that I learned. I was blindsided that it had even crept in, because I certainly wasn't thinking we were rocking the show, that we had this all down, or anything even close. I am daily humbled and reminded of my complete inadequacy to do anything that makes a difference here on my own. But I had made something more about me than about Him and that is like a dinner invitation for pride. I made my relationship with this particular girl about what I was investing and the results that I saw instead of what God was doing in the overall big picture. Pride, it is an unpredictable, disgusting little thing. And it surely makes life more difficult when you build a tower with it that crumbles in an instant.
I am thankful for a God who has GRACE enough to cover me.
This truth settled my heart this week amidst another great storm. When one of our long-term, more stable girls, in her anger and frustration, turned on me and sent what had been an entirely great week downhill, I was broken. I ended our shift with a heart full of ache, anxiety, and concern. I found myself at one point, in dire need of the ability to truly escape and rest and "break," begging the Lord for the Scripture that I needed to encourage me and settle my soul. And I was surprised at His response.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Romans 12:1-2)
How many times have I read, memorized, quoted, taught on, repeated this verse? I think it is a verse that had "become silent" almost to me because of its familiarity. But yesterday, it hit me. What should I do? What can I do? How can I keep going? I am offering myself. I am laying myself aside. As my act of worship. Not just my body - my LIFE - is what I give to God. So when I ask myself why I am putting myself in situations that are only going to cause more pain or stress, these are words to remember. But why? I still wanted to asky why, and it was a beautiful answer. IN VIEW OF GOD'S MERCY. This is really what hit me and maybe for the first time. Because I am only here because of what He gave for me - His WHOLE self - in His complete mercy on my unworthy self. And I need to let this change me (do not be conformed to the way the world thinks - avoiding difficulty, discomfort, pain, hardship) and I need to allow the Lord to make me more like Himself (transform me) through EVERY thing. And I am so thankful that He can, because on the hardest day, this vantage point, this "view," gives me purpose. This gives me LIFE.
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