Maybe because the anniversary of “the big change”…
when I
slowed my own rhythms down…
when the rhythm
of our family slowed down…
when we
began a dance to a simpler, slower, but just as meaningful melody…
Maybe because the anniversary of that time is slowly approaching
or maybe because, since that time I’ve tried to rev up and hit “accelerate”
again only to have found myself intrinsically changed and unable to “rev” as I
used to…
Or maybe because as we approached this small-ish, one-room,
home-reno project this spring break, we approached it as different people and
in a different way and I’m only realizing it at the end of spring break with
only one of three phases complete?
Or maybe it’s been the freedom-seeking with the ladies on
those Thursday evenings slowing all the way down and breathing in His presence
together …
Whatever the reason, the rhythm of my life has been beating
loudly through my days the last few weeks.
What has changed? I
am trying to discern exactly that. My “friend”
Brene* helped me today, though. I was leisurely passing through one of her
chapters on shame and a little on vulnerability of all things, and I was
stopped DEAD in my tracks. I mean, I stopped
and read and re-read the line maybe 23 different times and then four more.
“I performed until there was no energy left to feel.”
I’ll let that one sink in.
Sucker punch to the throat for me. It was my story. It had been my story. But not anymore. I’ve been meaning to write you about all of
these things for some time now. I’ve
been wanting to tell you how life feels now and what it’s done for my
heart. And also the speed bumps and how
I’ve driven in reverse only about 1,651 times.
And I can’t tell you why I haven’t written this to you yet…if I wasn’t
ready or didn’t have the words or I just didn’t make it a high enough
priority. But I’m not sure that question
really matters. I am here today to tell
you about what slowing these rhythms in my heart, home, and healing looks like.
It looks like this – what could have been a one day, sun-up
to midnight, compact, home renovation (we are bringing our 20th century,
about 30 foot hallway with 10 foot ceilings into the current century…while
maintaining its old world charm, don’t you worry) has lasted three days while
only completing phase one of the (what has become) three phase project. We are closing our spring break with a lot
still to do but a bunch more memories than if we’d cracked down and just gotten
it all done…although the cracking down would have made for one impressive
insta-story. In fact, if you’ve been watching mine, you probably were
confused. Six hours later, they hung
another light? WOW, what progress.
Right. But sorry to disappoint the insta-world, I am in awe but in a
totally different way. The story reads
just right. Except this was never
me. I was always (still kinda am, just
fight it now) the push-harder, don’t-stop, won’t-stop, completer of all of the
things. I kept our family in that funnel
with me always. We would have woken
early and stayed up as late as was necessary to complete all the things,
too. But in the last three days? We’ve jumped on the trampoline twice, taken
two family walks, sat down together for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, had a
daily rest time (when I was able to read the aforementioned chapter), played
princesses and dress up, had at least one sleep-in-and-snuggle-as-a-family
morning, and spent the afternoon/evening today with sweet friends doing life together…so
many not-painting-and-renovating things.
I am not tooting a horn, y’all, because I am causing my last year self a
mild panic attack. I’m simply telling
you how impossible this was for a me a year ago.
A year ago, I had to keep on going so I didn’t start all the
feelings. I couldn’t stop for many of
those things for very long. I thrived in
the dawn to dusk frenzy. I imposed it on
those around me, especially my heartbeats, my family. I was fully available to all and fully
present to few or none.
Now. Before I paint a
picture of present posies, I haven’t told you the time I’ve wasted just this
weekend on Zulily or Facebook, the mindless activity we’ve all taken in, or the
feelings I’ve eaten…I’m so far from a rhythm of perfection and thankful instead
for a rhythm of grace.
But the beauty is in the CHANGE. Not so much that it will take us a month
perhaps to complete a project that we could have squeezed out of ourselves in a
few short days, but because of where we’ve been and where we are.
I didn’t know my “big change” or “big decision” a little
under a year ago was leading me HERE. In
fact, I figured He was leading me to my next circus ring (speaking only of the
rhythm, not the job)…but in all of His infinite grace and mercy, He grabbed me
in that first week by the hand and ran me in a totally different direction I
couldn’t and wouldn’t have chosen for myself.
I thought the wilderness was for waiting, but it turns out it has been
about the manna. His infinite
provisions. Our days are slower but our
hearts are fuller. I breathe deeply now
and feel deeply in connection with those closest to me. People still kind of cock their head slightly
when I tell them what I’m “doing” now and the hodgepodge that is my new normal,
my life…because it wasn’t the next step up the ladder and it didn’t build the
next logical picket onto the fence. And we love it when we can keep one another
in the nice, neat little boxes that make sense.
But guys, I am serious. I wouldn’t
have it any other way. It’s like I didn’t
even realize all the oxygen I was not breathing until my lungs filled up with
air, sending life into parts of me that had been dormant and raw. And like I said, it’s not all posies. Life casts light into dark corners, it brings
alive feelings we’ve stuffed down, it demands we see the mess we may have
hidden. It’s a process, a journey, but
He is making a way every day.
I keep changing my radio back to the country station. I’ll go to KLOVE or itunes for a week or so,
but I keep getting drawn back to the slow drawl and the windy roads…the auro of
rolling the windows down and cruising down a country road appreciating and
enjoying all of the beauty in this life.
I know we won’t all agree that these elements are all present in this
particular genre, but God can use anything to draw us into His rhythm, into His
space, into His presence. And when I
turn on the country, I slow down just a bit.
A speaker in my Thursday night MOPS group curriculum told of
the gentleman who chose to slow his life down intentionally. He went from literally speeding everywhere he
went to deliberately choosing to drive at or under the speed limit every day
(this would be huge progress for me)…choosing the longest line at the grocery
store. Where there was the opportunity for slow, he embraced it. What He found was rich and full and
life-giving. I’m about to go into one of
the busiest weeks and seasons I’ve had since maybe “the big change,” with five consecutive,
completely full days and additional commitments to my plate. But my approach is
different now. I’m showing up fully,
present, and free. And at the end, there
will be rest. And in the middle, there
will be rest.
We can get to so many places in the fast lane, but I’m
afraid we just might miss the journey.
*Daring Greatly,
by Brene Brown, quote referenced from page 55
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