I thank God and will continue to thank Him every day that I had the privilege to know and work with you. There are so many reasons for this that come to mind. The first is that I was able to witness God (not me...not you) do miraculous things. The second is that I was able to know someone with your heart and your story. And last, I learned a lot from working with you. That's usually how it works; you start off helping someone else and end up learning a few lessons for yourself. Here is what I learned from you:
1-Sometimes those that need love the most will not ask for it and will sometimes actually ask for the opposite...to be left alone, unloved. Because left unloved, they are left unchanged and unchallenged. But when you love anyway, their broken hearts begin to trust.
A terribly rough life has put him in a place where it is almost impossible to believe even the most genuine person could really care. And if they do, there is an end to the amount they can care and there is something that will make them stop. And there is so much that he can share that will certainly make them run in the other direction, so he is certain he is safe to stay alone and unloved. In the middle of his anger and depression but safe nonetheless from more hurt. He'll ask throughout a vulnerable conversation if he can go and if you aren't careful with how you respond, you will believe that is what he really wants. But its a test, and when you say, "are you done talking or are you worried about my time?" He isn't done talking and will open another layer to see if that is okay, too. And when it doesn't shock you and you don't act surprised, he has more to say and more to tell, because really this is what safety looks like. This is really how it feels, and he's been missing out. And somehow the story is coming out and his heart that has been hardened through several cold winters has begun to melt, and now he is in a different kind of fire. And he's on the brink of something incredible, some kind of change.
2-It is true what they say. We accept the love we believe we deserve. If we don't think we're worthy of love, we do not understand it. In actuality, none of us are worthy. Part of life is just learning to accept.
It bothers him that I don't fit into the box that he's neatly putting everyone else into for one reason or another because I'm trying not to let him, because God is doing too much in his heart to leave it alone. And so I don't let him put me in the box of people who really don't care or think he's a bad kid. But he tries to cram me in the box every time I talk to him. Except these few moments when he hears me say something and he can tell its for real, and he smiles or produces a tear and says, "Really?" and I'm happy because I know another wall came down. And he's learning to accept, because none of us are worthy. And then he asks me why I care and I have so many answers I'm not sure I choose the right one, but I use the next few weeks to prove my true answer: because God loves him infinitely more than he can understand and His spirit is working in him to bring him to a place to understand that...and I so badly want that for him.
3-Five negative words spoken with impulsivity can overshadow thousands of positive words shared in love, so choose your words carefully and wisely everyday.
Most of the times I have been granted the opportunity to talk with him at moments of vulnerability in hopes to produce hope and change, I have determined to fully surrender to the Lord my tongue, my time, and my energy so that He is invited to work through me rather than my futile human efforts. This is because most of the time I am operating in reality that reminds me I am fully insufficient to know how to handle what is laid before me. On this day, somehow for just a moment I stepped oustide the lines of trusting God and into some fake self-sufficiency and said something, really only half of something seemingly insignificant, but it hurt him, and I know it was from the broken, human part of me and not the God-led, surrendered part of me. And in that moment, I broke. Because I saw the pain that my brokenness brought to his heart, and I knew that there would be little I could do to repair it. And though thousands and thousands of good words had been poured into Him from the heart of God, in this moment he is only hearing these 5 human words and they are tearing away everything else. And so I pray that it is true that the work of the Lord is sustained and that our human fraility gets burned away in the fire. Because otherwise, it is too much to bear and to think about what I have done.
4-It is incredibly terrifying to be on the brink of life-changing transformation and decision. And sometimes, it is so scary, we freeze or run away.
We figure out through some things he's saying, some repeated dreams he's having, and some really out there statements he is making that he's terrified to do what he so wants to do: lean into the change and embrace a new life. He has this underlying fear that if he steps out in faith and confidence that the support he has now from those he's learned slowly to trust will disintegrate at the smallest sign of failure and he'll be left alone and undone. He's terrified that its the only thing he can do except stand still but he doesn't think he has what it takes. And so his days are like rollercoasters...trying out the two sides of the fence, trying and giving up. And my biggest fear is that he won't hear or see the truth and he'll let go and give up all the way. But there is something inside of him not giving up on him and I know it is the spirit of the Lord. And thankfully, He is more trustworthy than anything else.
5-Sometimes all someone needs is someone who will take the time and listen.
What a lot of people see when they meet him is the disrespect or bigger than life behavior. But what he's willing to tell you if you'll listen is his attitude is deteriorating but he doesn't like it and feels out of control to change it. And he's helpless but wanting help. He's feeling hopeless but asking for hope. And that is what makes all the difference in the world. Someone observing his behavior alone tells him he hasn't done a single thing during his treatment, in fact, he's probably gotten worse. But someone listening to his cry for help sees the biggest change that can take place in the human body: a change of heart. And there is only One you can praise for that.
6-A Refiner's Fire is the toughest but most privileged place to be.
He's asked me why God is testing him. He's even gone so far as to wonder if He's abandoned him or if he was wrong all this time about His existence. He says he just wants a blessing and relieved of all this pain. And so I ask him if he understands how gold and precious metals are made. And we talk about them melting in a fire. And he knows all too quickly that he is in the fire like Job but that can only mean one thing: God has this huge, remarkable plan and he's a part of it. And there's more than safety in that. There is peace that cannot be understood.
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