Testament of His Goodness

I am at my whit's end and now beginning to question the decision I made to bring him back to Vera Lloyd.  To extend a gift of mercy.  It had been up to me, afterall, and I had chosen to give him another chance.  Because I had seen him try, and I had seen him change.  And I wasn't ready to say he had to be somewhere else to be successful.  But now I'm seeing all this anger and hostility and walls...walls that weren't even there before and they're surrounding me now.  And I'm guessing this is what makes me green.  This is what proves my naivety.  I do not know what I am doing working with adjuciated teenage boys; I have no business making these kind of decisions.  But then I'm remembering God called me. Then, why?  So I'm asking God as I get into my car and start these errands to show me.  I'm telling him I don't want to be at my whit's end with this one; I want to see some glimpse of hope.  I want to know there was a reason.  For the grace.  And God is silent, but I keep on driving and keep on praying.  My last errand of the day is to drop something off at his house, and I'm closing my eyes as I put my car in park, praying, "God, whatever your will is, but I know he needs something.  If he needs a certain words, bring them to my lips.  If he needs me to walk in and not say a word, give me the strength.  Whatever it is, give me the wisdom and the sight to see."  I'm walking in the house, and I take care of the business I came to do.  Before I leave, he approaches with a cry for help.  It is my answer, as clear as day.  So we're walking out to the front porch to talk.  I'm just going to listen and try to help.  He has reportedly been rude, defiant, disrespectful, and oppositional, but now he is calm and he is talking and the defenses are slipping away.  The walls are crumbling, and its beautiful.  And though I'm not fully realizing all the beauty now, a song of praise is being written in my heart note by note.  We're talking about the fact that he wants to give up because he doesn't even fully believe he can be successful, and we're talking about why.  And then we're talking about the Truth, and he's listening.  And now we're finished talking, and I feel like he has enough motivation to at least make it through the rest of the day.  So I'm hoping and praying that its enough because I don't know what else to do.  We are back in the house now.  He is in the kitchen talking about dinner, and I am about to sit down on the couch to talk to another youth, and here he comes.  He's walking towards me and asks me for a hug.  He used to always greet me with hugs, but he has been so shut down since he came back there have not been any.  But now he is reaching out and asking, and I am telling him that I would love a hug and I am glad he is feeling better.  And then he is hugging me like a small child, and I'm counting this all as grace.  He's stepping back now and wanting to say something, and then he does: "Oh Mrs. Betsy, you remind me of my mama."  And I know about his mama.  She died when he was 12, and he just turned 15 a few days ago.  It was about the same time she died that he started his relationship with the law.  His mama's picture is the one hanging by his bed that he proudly showed me the first time I took a tour of the home.  His mama is at the center of his heart...in the middle of his pain...and the link to his healing and recovery from all he has faced.  I don't look like Mama, because we're different colors, and I know I don't act like Mama because we're from different worlds.  But was it something I said?  Did I strike some chord?  And I'm realizing all at the same time as its falling into place, it isn't me.  I invited God here, and He is present.  And so I'm saying, "wow" and telling him I love him and he's walking off now saying he loves me too.  And the song of praise that was building note by note is blaring in my ears now above the sights and sounds around me.  I can only see the work of God's great hands, and I feel like jumping into the air and touching the sky.  A miracle has just occurred, and I am so fortunate I did not miss it.  Glad I put in my request to be a part.  Thanking God He allowed me to be.  Praying that He will be gracious enough to allow me more opportunities like this.  He is Good.