The tears slid down my cheek as I typed out the email just a few short weeks ago that would officially close our home and end our season as foster parents.
We may have another season before we hit the nursing home, but after a lot of prayer and confirmation....we know this season right now? It is about the family God has formed inside our home.
We will be focusing on meeting the needs of each of the amazing forever children we have the privilege of parenting. We will also do all we can to provide intentional support to those fostering around us.
(Hint: If you are local and maybe "not having enough support and/or respite" has kept you from fostering, holla at ya girl!)
I wanted to mark this moment in some way, which is why I am here.
I want to share with YOU all of the amazing ways people - our family, our friends, our community, our church, our village...so many of you - made this season possible for us. I want to highlight all the ways God showed up for us in His people. These are fabulous gestures worthy of repeating for families still fostering.
In other words, I am hopeful the legacy our friends and family have left can live on in the way YOU care for the foster family next door to you or sitting beside you at church.
I also want to say it all here in this space as a public thank you to the humble servants in our lives whose rights hands lost track of their left hands long ago.
So, with no further ado, here's my list of just a few of the ways we were loved well as a foster family:
1. Comforting rituals: My sister made a fleece-tie blanket for every single child who stayed with us long-term (long enough to make the blanket and get it to us). The kids (of all ages) loved using them on their beds and taking them home with them.
2. Bio family support: Our prayer village threw a "Going Home" pounding/shower for two of our little bonus loves and their family upon reunification. They took home an abundance of laundry detergent, new towels, their favorite snacks, pull-ups & a huge tub of household goods home to aid in their new beginning!
3. Thoughtful gestures: One day, while wrangling two toddlers at the courthouse all day long, my friend texted me that she was putting a surprise in our van. We came outside later and found a box of Hurts donuts in the front seat! The donuts were a luxurious delight, but the thoughtfulness was such an encouragement to my weary soul on a hard, long day.
4. Hand-me-downs: Good quality ones you hope to find in those Facebook purges for your own kids. When you're building a wardrobe from scratch and need all the things at once, it's a true blessing to receive nice things that still need some love. There's always plenty you will need to buy, but being able to provide so much from the start is a blessing. I have had friends drop off huge trash bags full of new or like-new clothing. Diaper boxes full of what could have made them some good money on consignment. Toys. You name it. I've even had the best scouts at the good yard sales, and friends loan me expensive gear for months at a time! Because of their generosity, I was able to shop for the gaps and not the whole kit and caboodle.
5. Pick-me-ups: People have been willing to pick up my people from school and make no qualms about it. You might get bad news in the school pick up line. You might have to handle a tantrum. It might add 3-4 kids to your pick up route on any given day. But, I can't tell you how many days I was with one kiddo at an appoitnment, Daddy was coaching, and we were all up a creek. And friends STEPPED IN. Huge shout out to my "emergency contact" crew!
6. A village for our daughter: No one forgot about our biological daughter amidst the chaos. The way our friends, her friends, and our church rallied around our girl as she carried the losses...the stress...the unknowns...and the questions involved in the entire journey was nothing but beautiful. Some reached out directly to provide extra support and some of you remembered how she might be feeling on an adoption day or reunification day or the day we got a new placement in the middle of the night. They helped us love our girl well.
7. Showing up: Sometimes with balloons in hand. Sometimes cokes. Sometimes a real tight hug that doesn't immediately let go. But showing up for the big things and the small things. The good-bye parties, adoption days, hard days, and everything in between. I've had friends come to court with me and attend appointments with me. When you're holding grief and joy in both hands, it helps to have someone hold yours.
8. No differentiation: On Christmas, our extended family added any and all kiddos to their shopping lists without batting an eye. Even at the last minute just two weeks before Christmas. Birthdays of every single family member were remembered and celebrated by the grandparents, aunts, uncles and more. There was never any differentiation of who stayed here forever and who was only passing through. All were loved FULLY and well by our people.
9. Emergency rallying: We had a teen return to us once on very short notice, and we needed an entire room flipped - furniture, accessories and all! Friends and family dropped off welcome baskets, Venmo'd money for rugs, bought pillows, and created home out of a blank space within 24 hours.
10. Partying with us: We have thrown a lot of parties. See Ya Laters, Sweet Seventeens, Birthdays, Adoption Day receptions, and many others. Our people showed up, were not afraid to do the dirty work (including chaperoning teens), and brought all the love.
11. Community support: Nursery workers, school counselors, teachers who have loved extra, grinded harder, called or emailed to touch base, and invited our kiddos into their hearts have made a huge difference for us all. I've always said the best thing you can do for us is love our kids like we do.
12. Meals: Meals and treats appeared on hard days without us asking and without us being able to say no. "I'm ordering y'all pizza tonight; tell me what toppings." "We are bringing dinnner for a few nights this week; it's been hard. What is a good time to deliver?"
13. Memory Makers: Newborn pics. Senior pics. Adoption pics. Holiday pics. Prom pics. Very rarely a charge. Memories for us, memories for the kids, cherished keepsakes for the kids' families.
14. Generosity paying it forward: We were going on vacation and wanted to get matching shirts for the WHOLE crew. Our t-shirt lady didn't charge me for one foster love's shirt! Another time, we had less than two weeks to get shirts for adoption. A hero came through and did them up the fancy way and THEN bought US an adoption keepsake!
15. Pointing to Jesus: A friend of mine who was walking a similar path during a tough time agreed to do a daily Scripture exchange each morning with me. It lasted for months and has since morphed into worship song youtube links and daily check-ins. Getting those highlighted verses and thoughtful commentary and having a place to send mine (talk about accountability!) truly grounded me during some tough months. I've also had prayer warriors praying for me for years, and their prayers WORK. I cannot begin to measure their value.
16. Listening: Without judgment or a bunch of advice and with a heart to understand, listen. I cannot tell you how many people have filled this role for me (and us) over the years. But it just might be the most valuable thing that has been done. Having our experiences (the good and the bad) validated and being SEEN is like a prerequisite for healing and moving forward through the pain. Secondary trauma mimics PTSD. To say I've been needy at times (or all times?) would be an understatement. So many listened when I needed it the most.
17. Burden drops: There were a few times I busted into friends' living rooms for other reasons but then dumped all my grief on their coach before I left. Having friends with strong couches who can hold all that really helps.
18. Just ask: We can hold the boundaries we need to; we want to know there are people out there that care. I used to not ask people questions, too. Because I am afraid of being overbearing, intrusive or disrespectful of confidentiality. But really, people just want to know they are loved and cared about. We may not always be able to answer, but we still want to connect. I have friends with much better memories than me who remembered to circle back around and ask how certain things were going...or ask the hard questions no one else knew how to ask. Even when I had to hold onto some answers, the asking and checking spoke love deep into my heart.
19. Honoring our parenting and parenthood: I know it looks weird. The way we parent sometimes. And we do a really shabby job most of the time toward what we are even trying to do. But I cannot tell you the treasure of friends and family who created space for us to parent differently to honor our kiddos' needs and who, when needed, mirrored our approach. I can't tell you how much it meant to be included as a mom when my role was way more complicated than that.
20. Including our kids: Making our kids a part of whatever was going on despite their challenges or obstacles is like a love letter written to their (and our) very soul. Thank you for including, inviting, and not backing away from our kids - bio, forever & bonus!
Bonus! When I asked my daughter to help me complete this list, I was curious what she would remember or think of as support. The first thing she mentioned was The Call, the organization that provides support for foster and adoptive families in our state. She remembers the big packages of paper towels and toilet paper collected from churches dropped off on our porch. The goodies and activities sent for us to do as family. The parties and groups created so we could connect with other families (and kids) living a similar life. We are so blessed.
It's been said we can't all foster or adopt, but we all can do something. This, my friends, is true.
And may I ask one more thing one last time?
Still pray for us. Still occasionally ask how I really am. Still send the Scripture. Still ask the question. Still reach out if you think of it. There is often a loss of support after adoptions finalize. Yet, the trauma does not disappear when court orders are made. The appointments do not go away. The hurdles, obstacles, and part-time advocacy gigs we take on do not just vanish. We are still navigating the losses. The trench is still here, and we are still in it. Now we've just added a layer of permanency. We still need your prayers, and we still need our people. And we are so privileged to have you here.
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