Skip to main content

Posts

Showing posts from 2013

She Gave it All

Written on March 23, 2013, shared today in loving memory of Nancy Bryan, Sr., my sweet Mamaw who joined her Savior and husband in Heaven today: From the outside and all appearances, she is an ordinary, Southern Belle turned grandmother. She is my father's mother, spends too much money on her grandchildren, and cried the day I told her I was engaged to marry my high school sweetheart. She is devoted to her church and family, and she, along with her late husband, my grandfather, has gone to great lengths to be at every crucial life event of every grandchild that is physically possible. Still, my understanding was that we lived a normal life in an ordinary family with a grandmother that loved us. My eyes started opening to her influence on my life as I started growing up and realized her example and encouragement of my faith was a huge source of fuel for me. However, I still had no idea...until she lost my grandfather, we moved closer so that weekend visits became more common, and w

The Ugly Nature of Clenched Fists

Somehow I had hardened inside and had not even realized I was running around so closed off. I had detected changes in myself and saw a disconnect from the workings of the Spirit. I knew something was off. I knew I needed to seek You for an answer but I wasn't softening enough to be able to hear. I couldn't feel the weight or tightness or impact. But then, I got so tired that I couldn't clench my jaw any longer. So I had to ask myself what was really wrong even though I didn't have an answer. I had forgotten that was the best place to be. Giving space for quiet was enough. The quiet softened my muscles and my heart. One slow breath at a time, I knew what was wrong. I was terrified and anxious and worried and feeling impatient about several things in my life and in order to feel the peace I felt I needed, I had secured control wherever I could until I was ugly and my face was distorted and hard and not soft at all. Looking for the familiar feeling of peace in all the wron

Failing to Plan

He told me today that his biggest fear in going home was finding a way to be successful even if his family lets him down again. And basically finding a way to do it all on his own. To go from having a ton of structure and some kind of support that is 100% reliable 100% of the time in a manufactured setting to the "real world" where freedom entices and well-intentioned caregivers can make poor decisions that affect you deeply is going to be incredibly difficult. Maybe the hardest thing he's ever done. And it was then that he realized he didn't really have a plan...for how he was going to deal with those kind of disappointments, how he was going to cope with those kind of hardships...and that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. So today his mission was to come up with a plan. And we will see what it is tomorrow. But I'm carrying a heaviness within because I know it's all too much for a 16-year-old to figure out and carry on their own. And really, there is no

Losses & Gains

All the things I lost brought me to a place where I was ready to receive all the things He was ready to give me.   And had I not lost all the things I had to leave behind, I would never have been ready to receive the things that He was trying to bring into my life.  And today, those things contribute to so much joy and so much purpose and so much fulfillment because they are gifts from God and they are gifts that are full of God and they are gifts of his love. Take heart my friend, if you’re wondering where the heck God is leading you or how you’re going to make it through, take heart…because He has plans that will rock your world.  He has plans that you cannot literally put inside your head and make any sense of right now. But, if you’ll be obedient, He will give you the peace that you need to take action and get to the other side.  That peace is all you need, because when you walk in the peace, you in turn receive confidence and strength, and you get to other side.  And eventually,

Pouring Out

I have come to realize that pouring out our lives as children of God is what the journey is all about.  There’s no end to when you’re called to pour it out, to give it away, to die to yourself, to take your life and distribute it to others by putting it in God's hands.  That is what it is about.  It is not something you do one day and then its over and you’re done.  Pouring out is an everyday life calling.  If I ever come to a place in my life where I realize I’m no longer pouring out my life, then I have got to ask myself some hard questions.  I have to do this, because it is not something I just grew out of...this passion to pour out.  My circumstances are not something I have just gotten used to.  Every day is new gift from the Lord, and the blessings He gives us within each day are to be multiplied to those around us.  So, there is not a quota of “amount of life out poured" at which point we get to stop living beyond our self.  Therefore, when there is no overflow from my

A Place Where...

[An essay written for Vera Lloyd Pink Hat Day 2013 (4/20/13)] I dedicate any and all I have to say to the kids as THEY are the heroes to every single triumph in this story.  They have overcome so much and here they are today...many of them carrying hope in their hearts and joy in their smiles.  Any story with names or identifying factors has been discussed with the youth named and permission has been granted for you to know this small part of their story in the words I have chosen to share it (For internet purposes, the names have still been changed).  I've compiled this verbal "slideshow" into an essay called, "Vera Lloyd, A Place Where..." Vera Lloyd is a place where safety brings security and eventually healing. I may not ever know the sheer horror that is contained in the words "cruel and unusual punishment," but I have seen the relief in the eyes of children who have been released from it.  And I have seen the chaos of spirit it creates w

And it is all grace.

What God is teaching me right now... 1.  It is a much sweeter feeling to forgive and love than to indulge the drama or seek revenge. 2.  Sincerity gains you more trust and respect than being loud, showy, fancy, or impressive.  It is much more valuable to be exactly who God created you to be and is empowering you to be in the moment than anything you may think you "should be." 3.  Don't trust everyone who says, "Lord, Lord." (Note: I'm still working this one out.)  Meaning, do not trust that they are necessarily of the same accord spiritually.  Use wisdom and discernment before assuming kindred spirits and sharing things that require any level of trust.  Vulnerability is a wonderful, beautiful, and valuable necessity to the journey that I wholeheartedly believe in, but I must beware of grown-up hurting hearts that do not yet know how to handle my vulnerability. 4.  Everyone is struggling with something. 5.  It is always worth it to take a moment

Unsent Good-Bye Letter

I thank God and will continue to thank Him every day that I had the privilege to know and work with you.  There are so many reasons for this that come to mind.  The first is that I was able to witness God (not me...not you) do miraculous things.  The second is that I was able to know someone with your heart and your story.  And last, I learned a lot from working with you.  That's usually how it works; you start off helping someone else and end up learning a few lessons for yourself.  Here is what I learned from you: 1-Sometimes those that need love the most will not ask for it and will sometimes actually ask for the opposite...to be left alone, unloved.  Because left unloved, they are left unchanged and unchallenged.  But when you love anyway, their broken hearts begin to trust. A terribly rough life has put him in a place where it is almost impossible to believe even the most genuine person could really care.  And if they do, there is an end to the amount they can care and

The Smallest Piece of Sand

Two days ago, as I walked across campus, a strong wind came out of nowhere and blew tiny debris into my face. Even though I was wearing my glasses, a small piece of sand or dirt hit my eye. It quickly settled into my socket and under my lid so that pain was very near. I continued walking to my first of two appointments in the homes that afternoon, gently rubbing, expecting it to easily surface and come out as I was accustomed to. By the time I arrived at the house, though, my eye was bright red, and I was still in pain. I took a few minutes in the bathroom to no avail trying to remove the  tiny, unseen pest. I decided to just moved on with my staffing in the home trying to ignore my twitching eye that had now begun to run.  Tears were pouring from the eye and sliding down my cheek.  I had to explain to each youth that I was not crying but had something stuck in my eye.  The same situation was repeated when I had to move on to the next home where I still could not remove the pesky spec

Testament of His Goodness

I am at my whit's end and now beginning to question the decision I made to bring him back to Vera Lloyd.  To extend a gift of mercy.  It had been up to me, afterall, and I had chosen to give him another chance.  Because I had seen him try, and I had seen him change.  And I wasn't ready to say he had to be somewhere else to be successful.  But now I'm seeing all this anger and hostility and walls...walls that weren't even there before and they're surrounding me now.  And I'm guessing this is what makes me green.  This is what proves my naivety.  I do not know what I am doing working with adjuciated teenage boys; I have no business making these kind of decisions.  But then I'm remembering God called me. Then, why?  So I'm asking God as I get into my car and start these errands to show me.  I'm telling him I don't want to be at my whit's end with this one; I want to see some glimpse of hope.  I want to know there was a reason.  For the grace. 

update: the 411 & pics

An informational update on the time that has lapsed during my break from blogging: On December 1, Michael and I wrapped up our life as houseparents at the Barton Home with a birthday celebration for one of the girls. On December 3, I moved into my new office in the Vera Lloyd administration building as the new House Supervisor & Training Coordinator.  Michael began a several week process of getting our Barton apartment packed up, our new home purchased, and all the details that went along with that.  Michael had planned on job hunting after Christmas for something to hold over before going back to school in the fall.  During December, the Computer Lab teacher at the Vera Lloyd On-Campus school (which hosts all of our DYS youth and short-term/shelter youth) decided she would retire at the end of the semester if the right person could take her place for the rest of the year.  The principal made a call to Michael immediately, and it was settled.  Michael was the new C

the Transition

Navigating my emotions amidst the transition to our new roles at Vera Lloyd has been like a spring day in Kansas.  I have woken to cold rains of grief that have been followed quickly by sunny, warm days of hope and promise.  I have waded through storms of misplaced guilt and violent winds of doubt.  But there is something about spring days in Kansas.  As widespread their nature and polarized their behavior, they build into a unified season that produces fresh blooms and new life that had been forgotten during the cold of winter.  They have a Creator who is also their Sustainer.  And every brush stroke of His artistic moves are intentionally and wisely painted into our lives on the tapestry of His Good Plan.  Because leaving Barton was not on our radar when the call came...because the threshold of houseparenting brought us to a corridor we were not expecting...because there have been many unknowns throughout the process and some are still lingering around...anxiety has been at our

Apologies & Excuses

My apologies and excuses for my blog silence throughout and since the transition of our new positions at Vera Lloyd include the following: -I am sorry, and I have missed blogging as my #1 therapeutic measure for myself and one of many ways I feel connected to you and field prayer for the crazy adventure that is our life everyday. -Our laptop died our last day as Barton houseparents ironically enough. -We have not yet prioritized it in our budget to purchase a new computer. -We have been settling into a new home, new roles at Vera Lloyd, and a new life. -We had not prioritized until recently setting up our ancient tower computer so I had the space to think and write again.  -The one jumbled post I did make "The Change" that should have been two seperate posts was my attempt to blog from my iPhone when I grew really impatient with the computer situation.  But alas, I am back!!!

the Change

Written December 1, 2012: I am going to miss working with my husband. Even when it drove me crazy, it was still better than not working together. Being together every day and having to rely on one another that much only brought us that much closer. So though it sounds pathetic, and ungrateful, I am going to miss him. Written December 4, 2012: It was strange. It felt too much like a normal Friday where I always turned the Barton keys over around 3pm and left for some much needed respite. But this time I was taking my crate of stuff with me and wouldn't be returning Sunday night for another shift change and daily life with the girls. Instead, I will report on Monday to my new office in Williamson Hall and do my best not to be completely overwhelmed by this new call, this new role, the craziness that is bound to ensue. So as much as I tried, it never snapped out of normal Fridaydom even as I handed out passwords, flash drives, my life for the last year and a half. I have had a few

A glimpse of Christmas

Oh come let us adore Him. My heart was at peace. I breathed deeper than I had in over a week. Because all that was my responsibility in that moment was adoring One who does not falter. The qualities in Him which mandate adoration are unchanging as is His entire being, thus I do not have to worry in this beautiful, quiet moment of adoring what my role is or whether or not I am fulfilling it correctly. It is completely and entirely summed up in my gaze at the cross at the front of the sanctuary and how it all started in a manger.