I was making a quick trip to the public library with one of our older girls to check out an ACT-prep book and ended up having to wait for a few brief minutes as she perused another aisle of interest. The tiny "new book" rack caught my eye. I quickly picked up a memoir that looked somewhat interesting since I have developed a strange fascination with this genre over the years, and I checked it out. Little did I know what the book was until I got home...or how much the story had to say to me.
It was "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Dugard. Maybe you remember her. The girl that was rescued from living in the tent community in her kidnappers' backyard for 18 years. Definitely not a book I recommend to very many as she holds back no stops in telling her story and it can be incredibly graphic in the first half. However, I believe I was meant to read this book, and I am really glad I did.
Jaycee's life and childhood were literally snatched away from her and held captive for 18 long years. I have never known such loss. Her innoncence was tarnished. Her education was non-existent. Her twisted reality became her norm. So much so to the point that she did not know how to leave it. When given the opportunity to get out, she many times did not even percieve it or made the choice to stay within the safety of what she knew at that time. Healthy reality became too unknown and was too intimidating and scary to her, despite the raw horror of her own reality. On top of this, she birthed two children while living this tragic existence and parented them in this setting for years. Two little girls grew up in this warped universe, too. And on the day when freedom came to fly her back to the good place she came from, I read as Jaycee attempted to lie to stay within the confines of torture. She actually tried to lie for the person who had stolen so much from her and was continuing to ruin her life. Because she did not know how to exist outside the system that had been created. She wasn't sure how to breathe. As soon as she stepped out, she had 18 years of loss to grieve. She didn't know if life would accept her scarred and bruised soul...now. Thankfully and miraculously, a chain of events intervened which prevented her lie from being effective and Jaycee and her girls now live in the free world where they are in therapy and learning to live again. Or for the girls, for the first time.
I am grateful to Jaycee for writing out her story, though, because it has provided me with so much understanding and insight that I could not have gained from my own personal life experience...a new depth of insight that helps me understand the pain and lives of the girls we live and work with each day. We haven't cared for anyone who was kidnapped or held captive for 18 years in the way Jaycee was nor am I sure we have cared for one who has seen the depth of horror that Jaycee has; however, I was able to pick up on some themes that I could relate to so many situations we have dealt with.
Jaycee's experiences did not just hurt her. Yes, they hurt her deeply and still do to this day. She cried herself to sleeep everyday for years, and she will bear the scars for a lifetime. However, the pain does more than hurt. And I think when I first started this work and felt a calling into it, it was the "hurt" and lack of love that drew me in. I wanted to be an agent of God's healing and love...to "wipe away the tears," so to speak, which is noble work. But I think it has been a process for me to realize what Jaycee clearly allows you to see: Hurt and sadness are only layer one of the injuries caused in these kinds of traumas. For Jaycee, just like many others, it messed with her mind until she could not tell straight from crooked, right from wrong, safety from danger. I believe trauma is an undetected form of brainwashing affecting children across the globe. And they don't just need hugs. Or clothing donations. Or even our love. Their mental processes have to be almost completely reconstructed to understand their world in a healthy and safe way again. And Jaycee so willingly uncovers the process she has been the last few years in therapy doing just that. Realizing that she is capable and should make decisions for herself. Realizing that she was not responsible for her pain and many people failed her in the years it continued. Realzing that life can move on but it will look drastically different. These are the things that maybe I knew in a theoretical sense before we began this journey, but I know in the form of several stories now. These are the reasons why a little comfort food, a warm bath, and lots of hugs is not all it will take to make a lasting difference.
A "typical" resident in our setting, like Jaycee, has so much more to overcome. They have to realize that what has happened in their life was not normal or safe and was not something they deserved, nor was it their fault because they did not do something to prevent it. And that does not come naturally. They have to tear down the heroic imagery that has been created for their abusers by their abusers so they can begin to see them for who they are and what they have caused. Not so they can build hatred. Or further evil in the world. I was encouraged to see that Jaycee harbors no hatred for her abusers. But they must leave the mirage of safety they feel under the umbrella of those individuals who had created a highly dysfunctional system and way of life for them. And this in itself is an incredibly terrifying and painful ordeal. Another blow of abuse that follows them to whatever haven they find. And once they have conquered this, they may be someone you would consider "normal" to encounter on the street, but they still have quite the journey before them. You see, they learned to be someone beneath that abuse. They learned a role. They learned a new personality. They grew into someone, as we all do, amidst it. And so their identity is shattered as they realize the roles they have taken, the person they have become is not healthy either. And if they maintain the roles and identities they have taken as a part of the abuse, they will almost assuredly continue the dysfunctional system by continuing to be the abused or becoming the abuser. And so, not only is their world shattered but they find themselves shattered, as well. And in great need of being put back together. By, whom I believe to be the only one suited for the task: their Creator Himself!
I'm praying this for Jaycee and each of the lives I encounter that have been broken in this way...that though the journey of healing may be the most difficult thing they have ever done, that it would lead to ultimate redemption. And that nothing, especially good-meaning people intending to help, will get in the way. Hopefully you and I both can remember these things the next time we encounter a child, youth, or adult who has been traumatized. They aren't a platform for our charity but a deep cistern for our love. They won't be a quick fix or short-term mission project but the investment of a lifetime.
*Somewhat-related sidenote: Since moving down here, I have become aware of the massive need for mental health professionals of all kinds in this area. Most of the ones we work with work at 3-4 different sites and clinics because of the overwhelming needs. Mental health professionals who also practice their faith is even fewer and farther between. If you are entering this field or are in this field, consider researching areas of the country where tramautized children may not have the care they need even available...rather than where the biggest paychecks may exist. I am not even sure where that is, just something that has personally touched our lvies that I thought I would share. We are very fortunate to have who I believe to be probably the best therapist in town for our girls to see, and she has done wonders with our girls. However, not everyone is as fortunate.
It was "A Stolen Life" by Jaycee Dugard. Maybe you remember her. The girl that was rescued from living in the tent community in her kidnappers' backyard for 18 years. Definitely not a book I recommend to very many as she holds back no stops in telling her story and it can be incredibly graphic in the first half. However, I believe I was meant to read this book, and I am really glad I did.
Jaycee's life and childhood were literally snatched away from her and held captive for 18 long years. I have never known such loss. Her innoncence was tarnished. Her education was non-existent. Her twisted reality became her norm. So much so to the point that she did not know how to leave it. When given the opportunity to get out, she many times did not even percieve it or made the choice to stay within the safety of what she knew at that time. Healthy reality became too unknown and was too intimidating and scary to her, despite the raw horror of her own reality. On top of this, she birthed two children while living this tragic existence and parented them in this setting for years. Two little girls grew up in this warped universe, too. And on the day when freedom came to fly her back to the good place she came from, I read as Jaycee attempted to lie to stay within the confines of torture. She actually tried to lie for the person who had stolen so much from her and was continuing to ruin her life. Because she did not know how to exist outside the system that had been created. She wasn't sure how to breathe. As soon as she stepped out, she had 18 years of loss to grieve. She didn't know if life would accept her scarred and bruised soul...now. Thankfully and miraculously, a chain of events intervened which prevented her lie from being effective and Jaycee and her girls now live in the free world where they are in therapy and learning to live again. Or for the girls, for the first time.
I am grateful to Jaycee for writing out her story, though, because it has provided me with so much understanding and insight that I could not have gained from my own personal life experience...a new depth of insight that helps me understand the pain and lives of the girls we live and work with each day. We haven't cared for anyone who was kidnapped or held captive for 18 years in the way Jaycee was nor am I sure we have cared for one who has seen the depth of horror that Jaycee has; however, I was able to pick up on some themes that I could relate to so many situations we have dealt with.
Jaycee's experiences did not just hurt her. Yes, they hurt her deeply and still do to this day. She cried herself to sleeep everyday for years, and she will bear the scars for a lifetime. However, the pain does more than hurt. And I think when I first started this work and felt a calling into it, it was the "hurt" and lack of love that drew me in. I wanted to be an agent of God's healing and love...to "wipe away the tears," so to speak, which is noble work. But I think it has been a process for me to realize what Jaycee clearly allows you to see: Hurt and sadness are only layer one of the injuries caused in these kinds of traumas. For Jaycee, just like many others, it messed with her mind until she could not tell straight from crooked, right from wrong, safety from danger. I believe trauma is an undetected form of brainwashing affecting children across the globe. And they don't just need hugs. Or clothing donations. Or even our love. Their mental processes have to be almost completely reconstructed to understand their world in a healthy and safe way again. And Jaycee so willingly uncovers the process she has been the last few years in therapy doing just that. Realizing that she is capable and should make decisions for herself. Realizing that she was not responsible for her pain and many people failed her in the years it continued. Realzing that life can move on but it will look drastically different. These are the things that maybe I knew in a theoretical sense before we began this journey, but I know in the form of several stories now. These are the reasons why a little comfort food, a warm bath, and lots of hugs is not all it will take to make a lasting difference.
A "typical" resident in our setting, like Jaycee, has so much more to overcome. They have to realize that what has happened in their life was not normal or safe and was not something they deserved, nor was it their fault because they did not do something to prevent it. And that does not come naturally. They have to tear down the heroic imagery that has been created for their abusers by their abusers so they can begin to see them for who they are and what they have caused. Not so they can build hatred. Or further evil in the world. I was encouraged to see that Jaycee harbors no hatred for her abusers. But they must leave the mirage of safety they feel under the umbrella of those individuals who had created a highly dysfunctional system and way of life for them. And this in itself is an incredibly terrifying and painful ordeal. Another blow of abuse that follows them to whatever haven they find. And once they have conquered this, they may be someone you would consider "normal" to encounter on the street, but they still have quite the journey before them. You see, they learned to be someone beneath that abuse. They learned a role. They learned a new personality. They grew into someone, as we all do, amidst it. And so their identity is shattered as they realize the roles they have taken, the person they have become is not healthy either. And if they maintain the roles and identities they have taken as a part of the abuse, they will almost assuredly continue the dysfunctional system by continuing to be the abused or becoming the abuser. And so, not only is their world shattered but they find themselves shattered, as well. And in great need of being put back together. By, whom I believe to be the only one suited for the task: their Creator Himself!
I'm praying this for Jaycee and each of the lives I encounter that have been broken in this way...that though the journey of healing may be the most difficult thing they have ever done, that it would lead to ultimate redemption. And that nothing, especially good-meaning people intending to help, will get in the way. Hopefully you and I both can remember these things the next time we encounter a child, youth, or adult who has been traumatized. They aren't a platform for our charity but a deep cistern for our love. They won't be a quick fix or short-term mission project but the investment of a lifetime.
*Somewhat-related sidenote: Since moving down here, I have become aware of the massive need for mental health professionals of all kinds in this area. Most of the ones we work with work at 3-4 different sites and clinics because of the overwhelming needs. Mental health professionals who also practice their faith is even fewer and farther between. If you are entering this field or are in this field, consider researching areas of the country where tramautized children may not have the care they need even available...rather than where the biggest paychecks may exist. I am not even sure where that is, just something that has personally touched our lvies that I thought I would share. We are very fortunate to have who I believe to be probably the best therapist in town for our girls to see, and she has done wonders with our girls. However, not everyone is as fortunate.
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