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Latex Gloves

Written Several Weeks Ago:

It was in the same doctor's appointment addressing her reoccurance of lice that, for an entirely different presenting problem, she was prescribed the medication to be administered through the rectum.  I looked at the lady and did my best to nod my head, say okay, and offer a feeble smile upon the further news.  I sat there and let the information sink in.  Those nasty little creepy crawly head-spiders were back in FULL FORCE and we would be on our way home soon to deal with that and for an entirely different reason, it would be necessary for me to purchase another package of latex gloves so that I could administer pills twice daily to her other end.  I began to ask myself questions and yearn for the opportunity to dissociate myself from reality as I knew it.  Why should I have to do that to her?  I didn't bring her into this world and didn't mess her up once she got here so - HOW - I began to ask myself - did I get myself into this situation?  I was instantly chastising myself for even thinking such things...while still not being able to reconcile the fact that the prescription was being called in for 12 days and I would be the only staff member appropriate to administer it.  There are so many reasons why I never even thought about being a doctor or a nurse. I remember the moments during and immediately following that appointment as some of the most difficult moments for me to express love, compassion, or concern.  I was so wrapped up in what that love was costing me...what that compassion was asking of me...and what my concern might lead me to.  I just didn't want to do it.  Any of it.  And I am ashamed of myself.  Because behind the intense hygiene and emotional issues, this young girl needed love.  She needed to know she was not TOO MUCH for someone to handle.  She needed the security of someone saying, "Okay, we've got this" without batting an eye, and then, proving their faithfulness by following through.  I did my best to provide that for her, though I may have faltered a bit in keeping on my game face.  However, I would be in trouble if my heart had been exposed.  These are the moments when love matters the most.  When poop may be flying, bugs are crawling, and there is absolutely not one thing on this planet that they can do about it, they need someone to walk into the mess and be okay as they try to clean it up.  Oh Lord, make me a better lover.

Update:

Turns out, when I picked up the prescription it said she was old enough to administer it herself.  And after my weekend off, the lice was taken care of and gone.  Life didn't ask quite as much of me as I had imagined in that moment.  But I am still thankful for the exercise for my heart.  I am thankful for the reality check about what it means to love these kids and still be human.

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