organic mercies

"For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the Lord spoken by Elijah." 1 Kings 17:16

Today is a day of new beginnings and also endings, and I'm swimming in the emotion of it all.  This sweet summer, my favorite one probably ever, has officially come to an end and with it, a new layer for me of settling into a new life.  During summer, we are all just passers-by - here today, gone tomorrow. But now, the return of normal for all is swarming around me as I adjust again to my new normal. Sending our baby off to preschool.  Sending my best friend off to teach Geometry, Pre-Calc, and a new football season. And we used to do it all just in the blur.  Last summer, it was me who had never stopped for summer...it was me inviting them back to normal along with me.  Back to the races. Not this year. The rain is falling outside the window, and the quiet is loud, and I am grateful as I reflect on the story of our summer, I am treasuring all of these things up in my heart.

Connection.  Laughter.  Spontaneity.  Surprises.  Swings.  Swimming.  Snuggles.  Slow.  Healing.  It's been the story of our summer. But also, the farther in - battles with uncertainty, anxiety, wondering about all the things we do not know.  Thinking about rushing but instead staying slow. We have found maintaining slow is an art, a beauty.  Then trusting and finding Him good and faithful.  He always knows best.

The week the reality of living at around half of our former income hit us, we flirted hard with anxiety and hopelessness...shopping at the window of quick fixes and impulsive decisions made without prayer. It was also the week I was convicted about tithing my earnings from my hobby-turned-gig because I'd finally sat down and done the math, and it was His.  And my pen moved slow writing the check, and it lifted heavy into the plate, as I thanked God for a spouse who also knew it was what we must do. I pulled indeed.com up a few times on my phone, even though I heard Him in the still, "I've got you; right here, right now.  Stop trying to find an earthly security when I've called you right here." I came up with Plan B, C, D, and E.  But in the end, I gave in to His pull and tug on my heart and I relaxed into His arms. And He has held me, held us.  He has provided as He promised He would with His gracious, good hand.  Blessings have flown into our home, have poured into my hapharzardly started-up, little start-up business, and continue to fill our hearts.

You see, the thing is, God never could have asked me six months ago to come directly to where I am today.  I would not have gotten up and followed if He had simply said, "Follow Me," not this way, if I am honest. Not only would I have laughed, but the walls of defenses and security would have flown up big and strong.  He got to me the only way I would hear Him to take me now to this place I never would have imagined.  So far from the factory of productivity and the programming of ministry and into an organic field of mercy I did not know.  It's been since high school that all ministry in my life has been programmed.  I joined the youth group leadership team, praise band, home group, and mission team and gave all my free-time to those ventures. In college, I completed four different ministry internships, even majored in ministry, and volunteered regularly in church ministries.  After college, I quickly went into vocational, full-time ministry with a church, which filled our young married life, as well.  Following that, as a couple, we entered into non-profit ministry that required ministry-as-a-lifestyle. I continued my career there in administration which became my personal ministry, as I also volunteered for church programs and non-profit ministries.  It all has been so, so good, but never before in my life (or since second grade, telling my friend about Jesus on the playground) have I not had programmed ministry defining my life and my time, and I have never before had the space I have found for organic, spirit-led opportunities (we could call it ministry) all around me in my every day.  I never even noticed it, rather...never stopped all the programming long enough to experience it.  I have never just entered the secular with my whole, open heart instead of a program, plan, and compensation.  It's been a marvelous provision in my life today, one of which I am savoring each moment and opportunity.  And I am glad God knew me so well, He met my heart where it was and brought me in His own round-a-bout way, here.

I have to tell you these things today, because I must testify of His goodness in this land while we are living. From nothing, He has provided everything. In the quiet, He has spoken love. Into new, empty space, He has brought meaning, purpose, and beauty.  From chaos and confusion, He has brought peace and clarity. Into a heart hardened by pride and hurt, He has poured in His humbling grace every day.  He has made something new in me, in us.  He has shown up...every time.  He is sustaining.  He is everything.

Whatever it is facing you today that is new or heart-breaking, mind-shattering, or confusing, please run into His arms and away from the empty promises of the world.  He will find you where you are and carry you exactly where you need to be.  I promise He has a new story to tell with His grace and His Truth and His love.  He wants to hold you, He wants to sustain you, He wants to mold us into His likeness rather than find us bearing more images of this world.  Lean into Him today, and I speak from the trenches of His grace when I say, He is strong enough to hold us - wailing and flailing as we are, and He will make something new.

My new is not a new big and shiny career; it is not overtly further developing myself according to the world's terms.  But it has its own beauty - discovering more of Him  everyday and learning to trust Him in things I cannot manufacture alone.

"You brought me to the dessert, so you could be my water. 

You brought me to the fire, so you could be my shield.  

You brought me to the darkness,so you could be my morning light. . .
When I'm in the valley, you will be my comfort. 

When I'm at the end of me, I find you there. . .

You brought me this far; You will make a way

Wherever you lead me, I know You won't leave me."

-Make a Way, I am They

"So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you, as well." -Matthew 6:31-33