Less & Free

Who takes off all their clothes and stands in the middle of town?  Maybe someone whose body has it all together will do so in Europe or NYC (true story - they paint bodies on time square now) but what about the ones of us who have all the flaws and even an ounce of modesty in our bones? 

I’m not so sure it was such a good idea to get completely naked with this…in this little self-renovation-project.  All my coping mechanisms, all the things I surround myself with, all the things I busy myself with, all the drama I distract myself with, all the people I partially please…it feels like it’s all been…making me a better me somehow. Maybe the best self I've been able to be.  It definitely feels better than I am going to feel without any of it, standing here alone and naked in the world, right?

You are not alone. 

But don’t we have to get all the way down to the nitty gritty?  And who I am wearing all my protective gear and uniforms may be good, but I must believe it is not better.  In fact, God’s desire for me is not good or better.  It is Him, and He is perfect.  Instead of working so hard to make myself something MORE, He is working so hard right now to make me something LESS so He can be more in me.  To be less, I think I do have to take it all off.  I have to take off the stress that is more comfortable than the silence.  I have to take off the excuses that abound in the frenzy.  I have to take off the schedule that structures me into the world rather than His Spirit.  I have to take off the distractions, one by one, that beg me to devote my days to their enjoyment…like putting money in a slot machine, hoping for some satisfaction.  I have to take off the expertise and become a student of His Word once again.  I have to take it all off so I can enter this holy place and this holy ground. 

I did not realize I had become afraid of being alone with God.  I am not a fan of being around the people I have failed miserably for some good quality time.  Like sitting down for tea with all your failure.  I always thought I don’t consistently get my real quality time in with God because of time constraints, but I’m realizing it is more because in His face, I see my failure. In His presence, I feel my brokenness.  In this holy of holies, I am in need of the mercy and I have to stop functioning at a speed of efficiency that tries to fill me. 

In college I discovered God’s grace for the first time.  I’d discovered His forgiveness at the age of seven and accepted my one-way ticket to paradise, but I never understood His grace until I was on my own for the first time and someone told me nothing I could do could earn more of His love for me.  I could stop performing, and I could take off my mask.  I melted, and I spent a few more years of my college career melting into His grace and into a community we developed to swim in it together.  Something about graduating from college and being expected to finally do something about the 16+ years of education I had been so generously given ignited the people-pleasing, striving side of me – like creamy melted milk chocolate hardened into a chip.  He didn’t let me get away that easily.  My first year out of school, He had me working an hourly wage secretarial gig while I planned my wedding and focused on being in love.  But after that, I started putting identities on, pulling ridiculous hours, losing my boundaries, and realizing I could become someone all in the name of Jesus.  I could be a self-made advocate for His brand.  I could do this, and look at the fun stuff I can produce.  When people liked something I would produce, it would inspire me for more. When something would work, I wanted to create more things that worked. 

He hadn’t completely lost me during this season.  In fact, God worked many mighty and wonderful things in my heart and our family’s life during the last few chapters, thanks only to His grace.  Each time He ever really got my attention, though, it was during a call to simplicity and quiet.  I guess I did not get the message or see the pattern, because as soon as I would hear the message, I would just take it and run with it...back to all the noise.  We did not do a lot of group projects; I’ve been relating to God as my project manager.  I hear Him when I’m quiet, but I really like the noise.

Because I abandon His grace (which is like the richest, made-from-scratch chocolate cake you’ve ever had) for some cheap, off-brand animal crackers so very often, I see my failure when I look at Him instead of His love.  I see my inability to measure up and feel the pang of being unworthy.  All I ever wanted all my life was to be enough. 

He’s speaking it to me in in the quiet.  He’s telling me where I find the enough and it is in Him, not in myself.  He’s in me, and that is enough.  When I am empty, then I am full.  When I am naked, I am most beautiful.  When I am bowed low, I am lifted high. 

Jeremiah 34:8-10: “The word came to Jeremiah from the Lord after King Zedekiah had made a covenant with all the people in Jerusalem to proclaim freedom for the slaves.  Everyone was to free his Hebrew slaves, both male and female; no one was to hold a fellow Jew in bondage.  So all the officials and people who entered into this covenant agreed that they would free their male and female slaves and no longer hold them in bondage.  They agreed, and set them free.”

I’ve dedicated years to setting slaves free.  It’s time to set myself free.

THE VERY NEXT VERSE -

Jeremiah 34:11: “But afterward they changed their minds and took back the slaves they had freed and enslaved them again.”

IT CAN’T BE MY NEXT VERSE.  I’ve got to escape these Hebrew tendencies.

This time, I am not taking it back.  I can’t afford to.  The stakes are too high; the costs have been too great.  I’ve got to find a way to live without the slavery.  I’ve got to find a way to serve only one god.  It’s time to reinvent my daily so my life can tell a different story.  I don’t want my tombstone to say, “She was tired.”  I’m trying to find the path that tells the world, “She was loved by the King.”