Skip to main content

I am the branch.

And she unloaded it on me faster than I had time to shut my door to contain it. More life in her 15 years than in my 31, and by life, of course I mean, the brokenness and humanity of it all...the pain...the "that should never have happened to you, hun"s and the "that should never have been asked or expected of you"s or just the red welling up in the eyes and the spontaneous waterfalls over the lids. It was so loud and rowdy, the spilling of the story, the sharing of life. But it was the birth of relationship and trust. Painful laboring. Bittersweet bonding. Blame, despair, then hope. Clinging to the hope. 

I need Him like that. Rephrase: I need to need Him like that. I need to spill it all at His feet without warning or restraint. I need to unload all the brokenness and humanity in me before Him. I need to make the space for the red eyes and waterfalls. I need to re-establish my safe place where I draw the joy, the strength. Because she did, she drew the hope, the joy, the strength right through the air between us...but since I wasn't intentionally and consistently drawing from the well, I was just running on fumes, it nearly emptied me. I need it, because that is where the trust and relationship is continually rebirthed. That is where the blame for self or others turns to hope anyway because all the grace, that is where despair clings to Hope, where sadness reflects joy. 

As I stood amidst the flood, the waters rising higher as the emotions filled the room and she tore down the walls between us with her bare hands and bare heart, I really only could keep my head above water. But today, I've realized I just needed more Him. I needed His Truth not just on the walls of my office but on the walls of my heart. I needed His Song not seared into memory but singing in my soul. I needed to be the branch on the vine, connected and pulling breath and life from outside of myself.  I need to activate my prayer closet again, the space in my life where the most tender wounds are healed and the heaviest weights upon my shoulders are relieved. I need to be tearing down the walls with a bare heart. Because the next wave is coming tomorrow. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Bravery to Wait

" I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be courageous and let your heart be strong.   Wait for the Lord .” –Psalm 27:13-14 I hadn't noticed until now that brave and strong is part of waiting. Because running and explaining and indulging and figuring out is so much a part of our world. I forgot that wait is a verb, not a space-filler, not a time-waster. In the waiting, we are learning our hope.   In the waiting, we become His; we come alive. In the waiting, we build the pages upon which He will write the story. In the waiting, the story has already begun.   Right now, my waiting is the story.   How silly for me to think that brave and strong was only for empire-building and battle-fighting. I’ve been having strong moments and really weak ones.   Because even though I’ve set up my circumstances for rest and family and connection right now, wherever I go, I can still find the drugs of efficien
Post a Comment
Read more

Twenty Ways to Love a Foster Family Well

The tears slid down my cheek as I typed out the email just a few short weeks ago that would officially close our home and end our season as foster parents.  We may have another season before we hit the nursing home, but after a lot of prayer and confirmation....we know this season right now? It is about the family God has formed inside our home.  We will be focusing on meeting the needs of each of the amazing forever children we have the privilege of parenting. We will also do all we can to provide intentional support to those fostering around us.  ( Hint: If you are local and maybe "not having enough support and/or respite" has kept you from fostering, holla at ya girl! ) I wanted to mark this moment in some way, which is why I am here.  I want to share with YOU all of the amazing ways people - our family, our friends, our community, our church, our village...so many of you - made this season possible for us. I want to highlight all the ways God showed up for us in His peopl
Post a Comment
Read more

A Destination

Michael and I are very excited to share that we have accepted a job together as Family Teachers at Vera Lloyd Presbyterian Home and Family Services in Monticello, Arkansas!  You can visit Vera Lloyd's website here and get a tiny glimpse of the awesome ministry that exists on its campus.  We were able to visit the campus last Thursday and Friday and have been spending time in prayer individually and as a couple until last night when we came to the place where we both knew this truly is where God has been leading us the whole time.  There are so many questions to answer, so I thought I would format this post in a question/answer format.  Feel free to leave any unanswered questions as a comment!  And as always, take or leave the details! Q: Where is Monticello and how big is the town? A: Monticello is 1.5 hours South of Little Rock and 1.5 hours North of Louisiana.  It is a small college town (University of Arkansas @Monticello) of about 10,000 people situated in the beautiful, hi
3 comments
Read more