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I am the branch.

And she unloaded it on me faster than I had time to shut my door to contain it. More life in her 15 years than in my 31, and by life, of course I mean, the brokenness and humanity of it all...the pain...the "that should never have happened to you, hun"s and the "that should never have been asked or expected of you"s or just the red welling up in the eyes and the spontaneous waterfalls over the lids. It was so loud and rowdy, the spilling of the story, the sharing of life. But it was the birth of relationship and trust. Painful laboring. Bittersweet bonding. Blame, despair, then hope. Clinging to the hope. 

I need Him like that. Rephrase: I need to need Him like that. I need to spill it all at His feet without warning or restraint. I need to unload all the brokenness and humanity in me before Him. I need to make the space for the red eyes and waterfalls. I need to re-establish my safe place where I draw the joy, the strength. Because she did, she drew the hope, the joy, the strength right through the air between us...but since I wasn't intentionally and consistently drawing from the well, I was just running on fumes, it nearly emptied me. I need it, because that is where the trust and relationship is continually rebirthed. That is where the blame for self or others turns to hope anyway because all the grace, that is where despair clings to Hope, where sadness reflects joy. 

As I stood amidst the flood, the waters rising higher as the emotions filled the room and she tore down the walls between us with her bare hands and bare heart, I really only could keep my head above water. But today, I've realized I just needed more Him. I needed His Truth not just on the walls of my office but on the walls of my heart. I needed His Song not seared into memory but singing in my soul. I needed to be the branch on the vine, connected and pulling breath and life from outside of myself.  I need to activate my prayer closet again, the space in my life where the most tender wounds are healed and the heaviest weights upon my shoulders are relieved. I need to be tearing down the walls with a bare heart. Because the next wave is coming tomorrow. 

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