Vantage Point: a parenting post

I've been thinking a lot about parenting styles lately and whether it is inherited, absorbed or learned through our own childhood and life experiences, developed from our own personality and intellect, or most likely, a combination of all of these. It doesn't help I've also been reading, training, and pretty much living and breathing the topic at work lately due to an exciting new venture we are undergoing there to match our homes' parenting strategies with our youth's needs. 

Because Michael and I have known for a long time we are called to someday (in God's timing) grow our family by adoption from the foster care system, we know our natural born children's lives and any future children's lives will be different than ours were growing up and this will require a great amount of intentionality, flexibility, and transformation in the world of our parenting.  A lot of learning and assimilating the great heritages we were both given with the all of the places these children come from.  A journey, no doubt. 

It may not seem like such a big deal...where your children, or some of your children, or your family come from. However, ignoring where we come from is like trying to ignore the animals at the zoo. They are there, will be there, and demand to be seen by all of their antics. Particularly the monkeys. Even so, the whole idea is not granted a whole lot of thought most of the time. 

But what happens when a child is dropped into the mix who comes from a very difficult place? And who wasn't grown in the safe culture you were that enabled you to respond to traditional parenting strategies in an acceptable way? What happens when you bring a child into your home who has never been able to feel truly safe around any adult because of the violations to his/her innocence at a young age...or because the only adult in their life never provided safety, supervision, or necessities that communicated to the child that he/she was protected and loved. That someone cared. What happens when the child entering your home has developed constant hypervigilence due to having not truly relaxed for YEARS because danger has proven to be around almost every corner?  What happens when the child coming to your table has had such erratic food provisions, he/she only knows how to gorge or hoard or avoid food completely. What happens when the child being dropped into your life without much say in the matter hasn't had a say of anything in their life ever...in fact, every minute, they feel the weight of being 100% completely out of control? What happens when the child already in your heart has never learned to connect to another person's heart and so is destined to hurt yours as you approach the walls and barriers around his/hers? 

What happens is this: You parent where the child came from instead of where you came from! By that I do not mean you parent as his/her parents did, no. I mean you set aside yourself, and you parent the child sitting in front of you according to his/her needs. You take it all into consideration. You let it give you compassion and empathy. And you use that as a springboard into providing safety, guidance, and a structured environment in which to heal. You set aside the power struggles, you lay down your tug of war rope, and you decide that who is in control is not something you prove as much as something you share. You get on your knees with them until they can reach your height. After all, isn't that what we do with our natural borns? We get on the ground and play and hold their hand for their first step at eye level. Behaviorally, you do the same thing with this child...you get on their level and love the heck out of them as you take their hand for those first steps into healing and into growing up in their timing, in their story, in their life. You set aside expectations you feel from society of who the child should be and what they should be doing at the time and you embrace where they are and where you can help them go. You choose to see beyond the rough edges and speak the potential that comes from the softness somewhere inside every single day. And when it seems like there is none, you most certainly do not give up but pray, pray, pray. You pray even when you do. Anyway. Every minute. Everyday. You commit your work in this home and this heart unto the Lord and know it will require more than you can ever give...because didn't your redemption, as well? You remember, if you have to print it on the back of your hand, that this child is on a journey and in a process and will not be "fixed" in a day. In fact, he/she won't be "fixed," at all...they will be given an opportunity to become who they really are by a rocky and curvy journey. You realize that for a child who was beaten bloody or starved, a primary focus on physical consequences or food-oriented privileges will only trigger the child deeper into their pain and fear and farther from healing. So you find different ways to deal with defiance, manipulation, back-talk, and misbehavior. Because you most certainly do deal with it. But in the context of their story. You are a hope-giver, and to give hope, Someone must be doing a New Thing. You do a new thing everyday until you make the connection. Until you reach the heart. You chase him/her down as Christ chased you down...despite all your erroneous ways. You always have hugs left at the end of terrible days. And there is always a new day tomorrow. There is always more mercy from the fountain of mercy you draw from yourself each day. You share it.

So what about your natural born kiddos? The ones you were able to nurture from the moment of conception? The ones who didn't ask for their house to be rocked by someone else's pain and turmoil? The ones who have grown and learned to date on target and understand your expectations very clearly. They know they are safe. They know they are loved. They know they are yours. The connection occurred the first time you held them in your arms. What do you do with them...how do you parent them while you parent the others this counterintuitive way? The answer is simple: you parent where the child came from. Same answer, may look different because this child is from a different place. So most important would be to establish a culture that allows individualized parenting and understands that sameness is not the same as fairness, after all. You create a culture for these children of compassion and empathy toward others. You get them on board with your family, your home, your life being a living sacrifice. You help them find tangible ways to continue their growth in their relationship with you and with God without regressing to the patterns of others. You help them understand how important it really is to treat others the way you would like to be treated...if it was you. And everyday, you teach gratitude for the life and family they've been given. Out of the overflow of a grateful heart, comes life for others.