Lately. I can't tell you how many people in my life lately have asked. They've asked now that we've had one child (because by all means, she IS already four whole months old), do we know if and when we will have more and how many more while we are at it? Harmless questions. All keeping in line with the stage of life we are now in.
Evidently there are only multiple choice options for questions to ask an-almost-30-year-old married couple and this question is the old favorite, option C. But in reality, the question misses the mark with me every single time. It just doesn't line up with how my story is going right now. And I am sure others could say the same thing.
But me, I have become excited about the fact that I don't have answers anymore. Six or seven years ago in my life, I took pride in how many answers i already had for my future and how a led so clearly to b which naturally gave way to c and ended up with d in a perfectly symmetrical timeline and harmonious rhythm. Not only have I observed that a doesn't always lead very clearly to b, but I have also found beauty in a life outside of symmetry and harmony.
When I began this entry, I thought I was writing about a recent journey over the last few years but now I realize as I write (love the results of - metaphorically - picking up the pen) it has been my story for longer than I realized.
Because I thought I was going to tell you about how my new journey beginning on Tuesday as the Program Manager at the children's home I work for (I was previously a houseparent for residential girls and then home supervisor for shelter/residential/juvenile boys) was way out of the way of any human construct my mind could make up. And how it was evidence ultimately of God's (higher-than-the-human) wisdom and faithfulness and provision. I was then going to talk about how my daughter has been the kind of blessing to us that it is impossible to find the words. And how she is evidence of God's (greater-than-human) knowledge of what is ultimately our best and the inner cry of our hearts.
And all of those points or paragraphs were going to lead me to ultimately make the point that I hope still to make: A home built by God is the only home I want to inhabit. A life built by God is the only story I want to live. And it was as I was hammering out my evidence for that point (the aforementioned examples), I realized the examples reach even farther back into my past.
-I was going into 9th grade when out of fear and a negative experience of a year at a large city public school, I told my parents I never wanted to attend public school again. It was terrifying to me. Still fairly new in Kansas, we enrolled instead at a Catholic school for my freshmen year. I planned according to life-as-I-knew-it to graduate from that school. As a 15-year-old, before I went into my sophomore year, I responded to God's prodding to transfer to the public high school. And He would go with me. And He did. I would not be who I am today had I not responded to His plan then.
-I changed my major and/or added/dropped second majors and minors approximately 7 times in college before graduating with the degrees I did. Enough said.
-Upon graduation from college, my plan was to attend seminary for a counseling degree after my 2008 wedding. Amidst applications and campus visits, I received a different "call"....as clear as the blue sky on a cloudless day...as much as I didn't understand it and felt like it was everything I had resisted. Instead of moving to Colorado (my dream locale), going to seminary, and becoming a "Master," I moved with new husband back to my hometown to my home church and became the Associate Youth Minister. Easily three of the most wonderful, most rewarding, most fruitful years of my life.
-While youth pastoring it up, a new burden continued to increase in the hearts of my husband and myself for the modern day orphan. Knowing this burden from The Lord was destined to be a part of our story, we explored options to fit it into our life and took a foster parent class and began to make plans for some home repairs for a home study. And then like a Mac truck we heard about house-parenting and realized again we had had no idea what God's real plans were. We saw a mirror but then it was like face to face.
-So we moved across the country for the biggest adventure of our life so far and were blessed with close to 600 days of the most difficult but rewarding work we had ever (was going to say, "will ever", but who knows) done and we got to do it together! Even then we got lots of the option "C" kind of questions about whether or not this was a short term mission experience for us or a life change. We just said we don't know...that was part of the adventure and God had not told us.
-Then out of nowhere as we were making our long-term family plan according to our human wisdom, God literally picked me up and moved me into an administrative role at the children's home we were already at and picked my husband up and moved him back into teaching. And I say picked us up without speaking lightly because we loved what we were doing and neither of us saw the ultimate reason for the change except, "God said..." So we did. And then it was like discovering a meadow in a forest that never would have been uncovered had we not just taken the last few steps in that direction. It was all clear. This was where God wanted and needed us at that time.
-So then we felt the itch again about these orphans, even though we still worked with them in a different role and we began making contacts with the state about turning our new house into an oasis for kids from hard places. And I got a positive pregnancy test. Like weeks later. Another last minute change of direction from On High that I never could have understood the purpose of until SHE literally came to fruition. And I am eternally thankful to Him for being right and showing me.
-And now, here I am... A new mom without my human constructed how-to-be-a-mom and still pay the bills plan... Unsure a few months ago how it would feel to still work and be a mommy... Just slightly asking God, "this is ALL really beautiful, but how will it all work? How is there enough of me?" And then I relaxed because I reflected on all that I just shared and knew that HE had purposefully and radically been responsible for EXACTLY where I was and so even more, He would be responsible for the details causing me anxiety. And then He was.
-evidently I was wired since (birth)?? to do this working mom thing because I have had an amazingly smooth transition and love my time both at work and at home with my little girl and sweet husband. Who knew. Also, I am being given this awesome opportunity at a new position over programs which allow me a little more of an 8-5 kind of life than my former role ... While at the same time increasing and not decreasing my opportunities to practice leadership and effect positive change for his glory. Um. If you would have asked me when I moved across the country three years ago if THIS is where I would be today, I would have had no idea what you were talking about. And the more I grow and the more I know about our all-good God, I realize that is one of the main reasons I know it is exactly right. Only a result of His movement and so totally contradictory to my so-called wisdom and knowledge. Yes...must be right.
And so why do I laugh or what do I say when people ask me those oh so predictable questions because I just had a sweet baby? "I don't know!" And that feels wonderful. I'm going to keep letting God write this story and build our family. And I have a feeling it might be a different-kind-of-family when it is all said and done...the one perfectly and beautifully and step by step put together by Him. So though I can't provide an answer, I invite you to watch with me and see!
Disclaimer: In the case that what I have written were to make any of this journey sound light, fluffy, and easy, let me go ahead and tell you it has been not. Neither have my decisions for obedience been easy. More importantly, my decisions for obedience have not been the only decisions I have made. I made some human decisions along the way according to my own wisdom, and those clearly divert from the journey I just shared which is why including them would cause this all to be more than one post. Please know this all comes from hands that have been dirty and sore and from a heart that is rarely pure and right.
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