There could not have been another thing she could have done to annoy me more. There were no buttons left to push. All attempts to uncover an ounce of motivation were futile. I was a rubberband, and if I was stretched one more millimeter, I would snap. I needed my lovely 8 hour break in my bed from talking to her, looking at her, thinking about her.
Except I had to get in the big old van and drive to pick her up, which would require at least 5 minutes in the van alone for some good old (but honestly, undesired) one-on-one time. And so, as my hands gripped the smooth rubber of the steering wheel, and my breath exhaled slowly and loudly into the empty space, I became very direct with the Lord.
You're going to have to show me, God.
I pressed the bar down signalling my left blinker toward the high school where she was attending an activity.
Show me all the things that I can love in her and show me what I can do to express that love in a way that she will understand. Because I feel like I am up against a wall, God. And nothing I do is recieved as love which makes it harder for me to do it. God, I'm begging you to show me.
I turned into the parking lot and it was not long before she was climbing into the passenger seat. But she had a smile on her face.
Thank you, God.
That makes it easier to return. "Did you have fun?" It was an easy conversation from there, because, of course, she had. I was breathing easier now. We made it to the house. That night, for the first time in a really long time, I felt like my effort to talk with her about the obstacles we were facing was actually accomplishing something. I felt like my genuine concern was actually felt. I did not feel like I was slamming my head against a brick wall, and another small sliver of a window was opened to the workings of her heart. The behaviors that had driven me to my almost-snapping, in-my-head raging, forcing-a-smile place did not magically disappear, nor has our relationship dramatically improved overnight. However, what had promised to be an excruciating ride home most likely climaxing in the tenth argument of the day turned into a promising precursor to a small baby step toward progress.
Prayer is the most under-stated, underappreciated resource in my life.
Except I had to get in the big old van and drive to pick her up, which would require at least 5 minutes in the van alone for some good old (but honestly, undesired) one-on-one time. And so, as my hands gripped the smooth rubber of the steering wheel, and my breath exhaled slowly and loudly into the empty space, I became very direct with the Lord.
You're going to have to show me, God.
I pressed the bar down signalling my left blinker toward the high school where she was attending an activity.
Show me all the things that I can love in her and show me what I can do to express that love in a way that she will understand. Because I feel like I am up against a wall, God. And nothing I do is recieved as love which makes it harder for me to do it. God, I'm begging you to show me.
I turned into the parking lot and it was not long before she was climbing into the passenger seat. But she had a smile on her face.
Thank you, God.
That makes it easier to return. "Did you have fun?" It was an easy conversation from there, because, of course, she had. I was breathing easier now. We made it to the house. That night, for the first time in a really long time, I felt like my effort to talk with her about the obstacles we were facing was actually accomplishing something. I felt like my genuine concern was actually felt. I did not feel like I was slamming my head against a brick wall, and another small sliver of a window was opened to the workings of her heart. The behaviors that had driven me to my almost-snapping, in-my-head raging, forcing-a-smile place did not magically disappear, nor has our relationship dramatically improved overnight. However, what had promised to be an excruciating ride home most likely climaxing in the tenth argument of the day turned into a promising precursor to a small baby step toward progress.
Prayer is the most under-stated, underappreciated resource in my life.
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