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lose myself

I do not know how to handle being hated.  I don't know how to swallow the feeling.  I feel like there is always something more I can do to resolve...or to make up...or to prove that I am worthy of their trust or respect because I really do care.  I am not sure where this comes from. Or why it is such an issue for me.  Other than my leftover issues with insecurity or insufficiency...or people-pleasing...or pride...and my over-sensitivity which has been my trademark my entire life. I imagine there are several years worth of therapy in here somewhere, and I am going to continue to pick at the issue. Because it keeps coming up. And its not what God intended: "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the LORD rather than for people."* "If the world hates me, remember that it hated me first."* "And everyone will hate you because you are my followers."* "So don't be surprised, dear brothers and sisters, if the world hates you."* At the end of the day, if I was faithful to the Lord in word and deed, my head should hit the pillow in peace and safety.  But I twist myself into the issue still.  And my overly sensitive feelings become overly sensitized.  And I hurt before the peace hits.  And I live for myself in that moment.  Just when I thought I had overcome my people pleasing tendencies, I jumped into a mega-parenting role and am hated frequently by all I cannot please.  And those are the most miserable days of my life.  Not the days where I am dealing with some of the most difficult behaviors or most trying hours...but the days where I must endure, minute after minute, being hated.  That burns me out at a rate that is much faster than having to work extremely hard for extremely long hours or deal with chronic issues among our youth. I ask myself how I am supposed to be an agent of God's love to someone who can't even see love in me?  And that is when I break...on the floor...on my knees...before my Savior...begging for something I need, that only He can give me.  And by far the hardest day, is when I don't feel His touch immediately...or His reassurance right away.  I have had to turn to the fountain that is the Word of God and drench myself with its outpouring this week to keep my mind in the Truth of HIS love and HIS faithfulness and HIS calling on my life.  I am thankful today for His Word, because it has been my saving companion.  And my hope is that it sinks in deeper each time and that the next time around, it will be even easier for me to be hated.  That it will be easier for me to cast aside the burden of winning everyone's love and set everything else aside except the all-encompassing glory of my Savior. And at that moment, no matter what, I will truly be an agent of God's love.  When I have lost myself completely.  Because I guess I do know what this all about, it is about the fact that I have been called to DIE to MYSELF daily and LIVE in CHRIST alone.
*Colossians 3:23, NLT
*John 15:18
*Luke 21:17
*1 John 3:13

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