I'm not sure if you will understand. Most of you will probably shake your head. I'm not sure if there any of you out there like me. But in case there are, I will share these recent ramblings. I believe they do reveal the backwards-freakish nature of myself so if you have never felt the struggle or this particular tension, have no worry.
I've always liked a challenge.
I remember as a high school student asking the Vacation Bible School Director at our church to switch the group of youngsters I was leading with another because my group was not challenging enough; the children were "too good" for my taste. See? Freak point numero uno. I remember actually getting excited when I had the super-clingy, attention-needy, nerve-wracking behavior-filled little boy from the group home moved into my group. *Teachers all over the globe flinch in disbelief.* I know, I know...what?!?!? But this was me - "Finally. My whole group is no longer hanging from my every word in perfect Sunday School symmetry. I have something to work for." My insanity went on. While I remember the camper I had in college as a camp counselor that looked just like the little girl in the movie Madeline and was virtually perfect all week long, it is the movie reference that brings her to memory not her sweet perfection. The campers I easily recall with fondness were the difficult ones that posed some kind of extra effort or difficulty for me. Some of the greatest joys I received as a youth director following college were working with the youth who were constantly bumping up against the boundaries or wanting to push the limits or resisting the confines of the "church." Or just being ridiculous. I'll never forget the two boys at a winter retreat we'd put together who ran through the dining and kitchen area where a sweet life group of middle-aged adults were selflessly preparing lunch and not themselves for what they were about to encounter. As the boys ran through, it became evident very quickly they were shirtless and snug as a bug in a rug inside a pair of ginormous men's whitey tighties, one boy for each leg hole.
I get bored with ease and every time in my life that I've started to feel too comfortable, I start asking what God must be up to next. This is because from my personal experience, he usually is up to something to break down the walls of the comfort zone, to invade my personal bubble, and to use some form of challenge or difficulty to teach me something new about Himself, about life, or about my ever growing need for Him. In fact, it has gotten to the point (here we go again for some more freak points) that I grow uncomfortable when things are comfortable because I know that is not the way they can stay. To a fault. Like to the point that I begin to develop my own plans for bursting my bubbles so God cannot do it Himself.
We're studying James in Sunday School right now, and I am really enjoying it. I've studied James more than any other book in the Bible in several different settings, but every time I do, it tends to unfold itself in new ways in my life. Anyway, we are still hovering in chapter 1 and for the last two weeks have talked about the paradox of suffering / difficulty / trials and growth / maturity / dependence on the Holy Spirit. It is something I have read, taught, and explained in depth before. However, for these two weeks, I have been the student and the ultimate Teacher, Christ, has been showing me something. I have been reminded how the trials and sufferings I have undergone without choice, the challenges I have sought out and pursued by choice, and the times of life trials have all been times for the Lord to draw me nearer to Him and chisel away at my visage until it looks more like Him. Many of these times are so easy for me to identify and have been some of the most treasured experiences of my life. I have reflected on this paradox to such an extent that I can outline them for you in a timeline of my life complete with "trial" column and "result" column. (Remember, I already claimed freak status!) This time around, I have noticed and keep finding it an oddity, though, that I miss the times I was stretched so thin I could only stand on my knees. And I have feelings of resentment for any current self-sufficiency I am living in. And there's my issue.
The season of life thus far, though I could name many, where I feel like I lived inside James chapter 1 was when Michael and I were houseparents. And that is saying nothing negative about houseparenting. In fact, it is the aspect of it I miss the most. The other day, someone I work with asked me if I missed houseparenting or if I was glad to be in the office/administration now. I told her that though I loved what I am doing now and am confident it is God's divine placement, I very often miss being a house parent. It caught the co-worker (who is a houseparent) by surprise, I believe, especially since she had witnessed and seen many of the darkest and most difficult days I had encountered during that period of time. However, I miss being stretched beyond myself to such a degree, that I landed on my knees at the end of every day for the pure source of survival. I miss being at a loss on such a regular basis for the answers in such broken and gray areas that I had to constantly be in communication with Someone greater. I miss hurting so badly sometimes from the pain I had witnessed or the pain slung at me unintentionally by hurting children that I drowned myself in His healing waters as often and frequently as I could. I miss being so challenged and so removed from a world of self-sufficiency every single day that I had to constantly be asking for wisdom and even correction. I miss the hunger it produced in me to know an even wiser or better way to handle some difficulty. I miss being in a place where I did not have to seek dependence on my Savior, it was my only choice. This is not to say that my current role is without challenges, frustrations, or difficulty. However, the nature of these things is different. If I want to, I can figure it out on my own. There are many things I can choose to do independently and on my own out of a set of skills and experiences I have been blessed to been given. I can forget the real pain on the other side of the name or face because its not in my face all day and then my head all night and finally my own heart. I can follow the example of others rather than seek wisdom from above. If I really want to. Or if I want to cruise-control it. Which is easier sometimes. When you're tired. Or bored. In reality, it is easier for me to be dependent on the Lord in the more difficult role than in one I find more a+b=c, formula-driven, and programmatic role. If you cruise control through a day as a house parent, you will most certainly find yourself in some sort of crash by the end of the day. If I cruise control through paperwork, interviews, data production, and trainings now, it is not likely anyone would really even notice. It makes me hunger for the naturally set up system of dependence. But I've been asking myself why. Because it is easier? Surely not easier in the day to day functioning and weight of all the loads you carry and being that close to all that pain. But easier to depend. Easier to be plugged into Him as the source of life rather than fall into the trap of doing it on my own and with such a lesser amount of excellence. Like dependence as a force of nature rather than a choice. A baby is forced by the nature of his reality to depend on his parents for every little thing, while a three-year-old exploring his independence has to decide when and how to depend in new ways. And I keep thinking, wouldn't that be what God would want from me to learn in all of this? To see in the midst of this season? That to have a child who is truly disciplined by His love and blessed by His grace...that I would be able to depend and be able to seek His wisdom first...and be able to seek Him as the ultimate healer....and be able to spend my days from my knees...without the parameters or reminders of suffering and trials. What would a truly dependent in the good times and the bad times life really look like? One where my level of connectedness and dependence with the Lord does not change according to my circumstances but remains the same as I am a child in need of a Father who truly does know best. And so maybe it is not about me engineering new challenges and trials for myself to face in order to stay connected to my King. Maybe it is finding the connection in the mundane. The easy. The boring days. The rainy days. The sunshiney days. I think that is what I am to be drawing from James this time around. Perseverance does its perfect work, yes. Count all the trials as joy, brother, yes. Use those moments of suffering to gain as much maturity and growth as possible, yes! But at the end of the day, when He places you in the land of milk and honey or possibly your own self-sufficiency, learn to depend on Him just the same. Learn that in those situations, as well, He should still be the source of my every breath. That ultimately life itself should drive me to my knees, no matter what the setting looks like. Because real life starts when we die.
I have no idea what the totality of God's plan in my life will look like as I look back in 20 or 30 years. But I do know that I don't want to spend one day of it standing on my own to only the stature I can reach by myself. I know more difficulty will come my way and hopefully I will be able to someday again be put in a position so close to all the heaviness, all the weight, and all the trials of life that draws me so easily to the cross (Say what? Yes, freaky). I have a feeling the season we are now about to enter as first time parents to a completely tiny and vulnerable little one will throw me back into the "thick of things" for awhile like I like it. However, at the end of it all, I hope that I have learned a consistent and daily dependence on God and trust in a King who I need in every single moment of this life. The moment is God's after all, and He alone has the wisdom to know how it can be maximized for His Kingdom and Glory!
I've always liked a challenge.
I remember as a high school student asking the Vacation Bible School Director at our church to switch the group of youngsters I was leading with another because my group was not challenging enough; the children were "too good" for my taste. See? Freak point numero uno. I remember actually getting excited when I had the super-clingy, attention-needy, nerve-wracking behavior-filled little boy from the group home moved into my group. *Teachers all over the globe flinch in disbelief.* I know, I know...what?!?!? But this was me - "Finally. My whole group is no longer hanging from my every word in perfect Sunday School symmetry. I have something to work for." My insanity went on. While I remember the camper I had in college as a camp counselor that looked just like the little girl in the movie Madeline and was virtually perfect all week long, it is the movie reference that brings her to memory not her sweet perfection. The campers I easily recall with fondness were the difficult ones that posed some kind of extra effort or difficulty for me. Some of the greatest joys I received as a youth director following college were working with the youth who were constantly bumping up against the boundaries or wanting to push the limits or resisting the confines of the "church." Or just being ridiculous. I'll never forget the two boys at a winter retreat we'd put together who ran through the dining and kitchen area where a sweet life group of middle-aged adults were selflessly preparing lunch and not themselves for what they were about to encounter. As the boys ran through, it became evident very quickly they were shirtless and snug as a bug in a rug inside a pair of ginormous men's whitey tighties, one boy for each leg hole.
I get bored with ease and every time in my life that I've started to feel too comfortable, I start asking what God must be up to next. This is because from my personal experience, he usually is up to something to break down the walls of the comfort zone, to invade my personal bubble, and to use some form of challenge or difficulty to teach me something new about Himself, about life, or about my ever growing need for Him. In fact, it has gotten to the point (here we go again for some more freak points) that I grow uncomfortable when things are comfortable because I know that is not the way they can stay. To a fault. Like to the point that I begin to develop my own plans for bursting my bubbles so God cannot do it Himself.
We're studying James in Sunday School right now, and I am really enjoying it. I've studied James more than any other book in the Bible in several different settings, but every time I do, it tends to unfold itself in new ways in my life. Anyway, we are still hovering in chapter 1 and for the last two weeks have talked about the paradox of suffering / difficulty / trials and growth / maturity / dependence on the Holy Spirit. It is something I have read, taught, and explained in depth before. However, for these two weeks, I have been the student and the ultimate Teacher, Christ, has been showing me something. I have been reminded how the trials and sufferings I have undergone without choice, the challenges I have sought out and pursued by choice, and the times of life trials have all been times for the Lord to draw me nearer to Him and chisel away at my visage until it looks more like Him. Many of these times are so easy for me to identify and have been some of the most treasured experiences of my life. I have reflected on this paradox to such an extent that I can outline them for you in a timeline of my life complete with "trial" column and "result" column. (Remember, I already claimed freak status!) This time around, I have noticed and keep finding it an oddity, though, that I miss the times I was stretched so thin I could only stand on my knees. And I have feelings of resentment for any current self-sufficiency I am living in. And there's my issue.
The season of life thus far, though I could name many, where I feel like I lived inside James chapter 1 was when Michael and I were houseparents. And that is saying nothing negative about houseparenting. In fact, it is the aspect of it I miss the most. The other day, someone I work with asked me if I missed houseparenting or if I was glad to be in the office/administration now. I told her that though I loved what I am doing now and am confident it is God's divine placement, I very often miss being a house parent. It caught the co-worker (who is a houseparent) by surprise, I believe, especially since she had witnessed and seen many of the darkest and most difficult days I had encountered during that period of time. However, I miss being stretched beyond myself to such a degree, that I landed on my knees at the end of every day for the pure source of survival. I miss being at a loss on such a regular basis for the answers in such broken and gray areas that I had to constantly be in communication with Someone greater. I miss hurting so badly sometimes from the pain I had witnessed or the pain slung at me unintentionally by hurting children that I drowned myself in His healing waters as often and frequently as I could. I miss being so challenged and so removed from a world of self-sufficiency every single day that I had to constantly be asking for wisdom and even correction. I miss the hunger it produced in me to know an even wiser or better way to handle some difficulty. I miss being in a place where I did not have to seek dependence on my Savior, it was my only choice. This is not to say that my current role is without challenges, frustrations, or difficulty. However, the nature of these things is different. If I want to, I can figure it out on my own. There are many things I can choose to do independently and on my own out of a set of skills and experiences I have been blessed to been given. I can forget the real pain on the other side of the name or face because its not in my face all day and then my head all night and finally my own heart. I can follow the example of others rather than seek wisdom from above. If I really want to. Or if I want to cruise-control it. Which is easier sometimes. When you're tired. Or bored. In reality, it is easier for me to be dependent on the Lord in the more difficult role than in one I find more a+b=c, formula-driven, and programmatic role. If you cruise control through a day as a house parent, you will most certainly find yourself in some sort of crash by the end of the day. If I cruise control through paperwork, interviews, data production, and trainings now, it is not likely anyone would really even notice. It makes me hunger for the naturally set up system of dependence. But I've been asking myself why. Because it is easier? Surely not easier in the day to day functioning and weight of all the loads you carry and being that close to all that pain. But easier to depend. Easier to be plugged into Him as the source of life rather than fall into the trap of doing it on my own and with such a lesser amount of excellence. Like dependence as a force of nature rather than a choice. A baby is forced by the nature of his reality to depend on his parents for every little thing, while a three-year-old exploring his independence has to decide when and how to depend in new ways. And I keep thinking, wouldn't that be what God would want from me to learn in all of this? To see in the midst of this season? That to have a child who is truly disciplined by His love and blessed by His grace...that I would be able to depend and be able to seek His wisdom first...and be able to seek Him as the ultimate healer....and be able to spend my days from my knees...without the parameters or reminders of suffering and trials. What would a truly dependent in the good times and the bad times life really look like? One where my level of connectedness and dependence with the Lord does not change according to my circumstances but remains the same as I am a child in need of a Father who truly does know best. And so maybe it is not about me engineering new challenges and trials for myself to face in order to stay connected to my King. Maybe it is finding the connection in the mundane. The easy. The boring days. The rainy days. The sunshiney days. I think that is what I am to be drawing from James this time around. Perseverance does its perfect work, yes. Count all the trials as joy, brother, yes. Use those moments of suffering to gain as much maturity and growth as possible, yes! But at the end of the day, when He places you in the land of milk and honey or possibly your own self-sufficiency, learn to depend on Him just the same. Learn that in those situations, as well, He should still be the source of my every breath. That ultimately life itself should drive me to my knees, no matter what the setting looks like. Because real life starts when we die.
I have no idea what the totality of God's plan in my life will look like as I look back in 20 or 30 years. But I do know that I don't want to spend one day of it standing on my own to only the stature I can reach by myself. I know more difficulty will come my way and hopefully I will be able to someday again be put in a position so close to all the heaviness, all the weight, and all the trials of life that draws me so easily to the cross (Say what? Yes, freaky). I have a feeling the season we are now about to enter as first time parents to a completely tiny and vulnerable little one will throw me back into the "thick of things" for awhile like I like it. However, at the end of it all, I hope that I have learned a consistent and daily dependence on God and trust in a King who I need in every single moment of this life. The moment is God's after all, and He alone has the wisdom to know how it can be maximized for His Kingdom and Glory!
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