Michael and I find ourselves squished in between so many things right now. In between our full, abundant life in Salina that we have begun to say good-bye to and our impending, exciting life in Arkansas. In between jobs. In between lifestyles. We are in the space between right now.
Life Update: We just returned from an awesome vacation in one of our favorite places on the planet, Colorado. We spent 2 days staying in Broomfield (town between Denver and Boulder) and had a lot of fun galavanting around Denver's REI store and 16th Street Mall and Boulder's famous Pearl Street. Then, we drove up into the mountains and spent 5 days in Breckenridge. We hiked as far as we could (there are still a lot of snow-packed trails), biked from Breck to Frisco, relaxed in our condo, and managed to eat only 1 meal our entire trip inside!!! The weather was beautiful and all the restaurants have patios and balconies with amazing mountain views. Our vacation followed my last week on staff at FCC which was a terribly sad week for me. My last two Sundays I was able to share my "last words" with the youth group, and I shared with them about living the Christ life: abiding in Him from John 15. Our last Sunday, we were showered with so much love and grace I cannot adequately explain. We begin this week looking into about 13 days to pack up the house, have our garage sale, and close out our lives here in Salina. It feels so strange saying that even now; I am a bit numb. I suppose tomorrow when we drive over to pick up the boxes, a new level of reality will hit me once again. We will pack the U-Haul on June 23 and then pull out bright and early on June 24 to all that awaits us in Monticello, Arkansas! For now, we are in between.
Heart Update (some notes from my journal over vacation):
June 6, 2011: "I don't know how to describe at one time all that I have experienced lately - in my heart, my mind, and my soul. The calling from the Lord into something so perfectly and clearly fit for Michael and I that comes with full affirmation and encouragement from those around us has been a blessing and exciting new turn for us. There is so much to dream about now (I had stopped dreaming and was lacking inspiration before). There is so much to pray for now (we are going to become more dependent on the Lord than we ever thought possible...in that process now). There is so much to be excited about now (new challenges, new pace, adventure, new landscape). And while all of this is so true and comes from the deepest, most honest part of my heart - there is a pain and a grief coming from the same place. Not totally unexpected. I am not so naive to think that one can prepare to move across the country (okay, 10 hours away), leaving everything and everyone behind...and NOT deal with these emotions. However, prepartaion and expectation do little to ease the heartache and the surprise of the waves of emotion that hit you on a bright, sunshiney, ordinary day. I have much to let go of, and beginning that process has brought much more than the anticipated difficulty. I suppose you do not realize how much of your heart, soul, and life you have invested into someone or something until you begin to close that chapter out. I suppose you never realize how much you love, how much you care, and how much you are loved and cared for until you will soon say good-bye and fill your life with new fresh strangers. Strangers that are exciting and probably wonderful people but who you know will not replace these ones you love. Michael and I have eaten, slept, and breathed the youth ministry at FCC for years now...for the most foundational years of our marriage actually. And now, we have removed it from our lives (not our hearts) to make room for the new ministry we know is preparing in Arkansas. There is a large, empty space sitting with us now in life in this in-between transition - not that we FEEL empty but that something huge in our life is slowly being stripped away. It won't ever be replaced. Other huge things will come in - they will ask for our all - all our energy, all our time, all our focus, but they will be their own. Not a replacement. And I suppose it is more difficult today because we have said good-bye to ministry at FCC in its proper sense and form but not yet to the people or the lifestyle or the town. And so today we are experiencing a TASTE of grief...of the pain of letting go. Perhaps that is what the waves are all about. Waves now. Storm of emotion later. The comfort we hold today and take with us is the promise and excitement of the future God is leading us into. We've longed for an adventure, and now we are on the brink of such a think in full definition. I thank God for this context to leave within - a context where a student's pain or worry about the transition can be matched with God revealing the amazing things He is up to right now, a context where we do not leave but are sent. I thank God almighty for that. And as I let go, as I train myself to cease worries, fears, and anxieties about all we leave behind, the worries, fears, and anxieties of all that is to come floods into my soul. So, I must stand back...and admit to the Lord...I cannot do any of this...I need you. I can't leave. I can't say good-bye. I can't move. I can't take care of 8 children. So, I need you to be everything for me."
Life Update: We just returned from an awesome vacation in one of our favorite places on the planet, Colorado. We spent 2 days staying in Broomfield (town between Denver and Boulder) and had a lot of fun galavanting around Denver's REI store and 16th Street Mall and Boulder's famous Pearl Street. Then, we drove up into the mountains and spent 5 days in Breckenridge. We hiked as far as we could (there are still a lot of snow-packed trails), biked from Breck to Frisco, relaxed in our condo, and managed to eat only 1 meal our entire trip inside!!! The weather was beautiful and all the restaurants have patios and balconies with amazing mountain views. Our vacation followed my last week on staff at FCC which was a terribly sad week for me. My last two Sundays I was able to share my "last words" with the youth group, and I shared with them about living the Christ life: abiding in Him from John 15. Our last Sunday, we were showered with so much love and grace I cannot adequately explain. We begin this week looking into about 13 days to pack up the house, have our garage sale, and close out our lives here in Salina. It feels so strange saying that even now; I am a bit numb. I suppose tomorrow when we drive over to pick up the boxes, a new level of reality will hit me once again. We will pack the U-Haul on June 23 and then pull out bright and early on June 24 to all that awaits us in Monticello, Arkansas! For now, we are in between.
Heart Update (some notes from my journal over vacation):
June 6, 2011: "I don't know how to describe at one time all that I have experienced lately - in my heart, my mind, and my soul. The calling from the Lord into something so perfectly and clearly fit for Michael and I that comes with full affirmation and encouragement from those around us has been a blessing and exciting new turn for us. There is so much to dream about now (I had stopped dreaming and was lacking inspiration before). There is so much to pray for now (we are going to become more dependent on the Lord than we ever thought possible...in that process now). There is so much to be excited about now (new challenges, new pace, adventure, new landscape). And while all of this is so true and comes from the deepest, most honest part of my heart - there is a pain and a grief coming from the same place. Not totally unexpected. I am not so naive to think that one can prepare to move across the country (okay, 10 hours away), leaving everything and everyone behind...and NOT deal with these emotions. However, prepartaion and expectation do little to ease the heartache and the surprise of the waves of emotion that hit you on a bright, sunshiney, ordinary day. I have much to let go of, and beginning that process has brought much more than the anticipated difficulty. I suppose you do not realize how much of your heart, soul, and life you have invested into someone or something until you begin to close that chapter out. I suppose you never realize how much you love, how much you care, and how much you are loved and cared for until you will soon say good-bye and fill your life with new fresh strangers. Strangers that are exciting and probably wonderful people but who you know will not replace these ones you love. Michael and I have eaten, slept, and breathed the youth ministry at FCC for years now...for the most foundational years of our marriage actually. And now, we have removed it from our lives (not our hearts) to make room for the new ministry we know is preparing in Arkansas. There is a large, empty space sitting with us now in life in this in-between transition - not that we FEEL empty but that something huge in our life is slowly being stripped away. It won't ever be replaced. Other huge things will come in - they will ask for our all - all our energy, all our time, all our focus, but they will be their own. Not a replacement. And I suppose it is more difficult today because we have said good-bye to ministry at FCC in its proper sense and form but not yet to the people or the lifestyle or the town. And so today we are experiencing a TASTE of grief...of the pain of letting go. Perhaps that is what the waves are all about. Waves now. Storm of emotion later. The comfort we hold today and take with us is the promise and excitement of the future God is leading us into. We've longed for an adventure, and now we are on the brink of such a think in full definition. I thank God for this context to leave within - a context where a student's pain or worry about the transition can be matched with God revealing the amazing things He is up to right now, a context where we do not leave but are sent. I thank God almighty for that. And as I let go, as I train myself to cease worries, fears, and anxieties about all we leave behind, the worries, fears, and anxieties of all that is to come floods into my soul. So, I must stand back...and admit to the Lord...I cannot do any of this...I need you. I can't leave. I can't say good-bye. I can't move. I can't take care of 8 children. So, I need you to be everything for me."
"By the GRACE of God, I am what I am." - the apostle Paul
wow. betsy. thank you so much for sharing your heart. i am so proud of you and michael and your faith and trust. i am praying for you both during this incredibly difficult time. phone date this week please?! :) love you!
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