The Ultimate Attachment

It's been about a month now that I've been, as part of my job, imparting to others a programmatic set of principles based primarily in Attachment Theory.  In other words, I've spent a month talking about attachment:

....attachment styles, secure attachment, insecure attachment, organized attachment, disorganized attachment, my attachment, your attachment, avoidant attachment, ambivalet attachment, dismissive attachment, entangled attachment, unresolved attachment... 

You get the picture...I've been surrounded by attachment, whose dissection is not the purpose of this post (thankfully).  I believe the greatest byproduct of all my exhortation on the topic is the personal challenge I have found within it all.  I am so thankful I am not in a position that requires me to ask of anyone (whether child or a staff member) something I am not willing or able to do myself.  And we've been taking a good, hard, long look at ourselves and our lives and our attachments and our relationships.  So, I'm in a constant mirror and reflection is all around me.  Around every corner and within every mothering, wifely, supervisory, or other word I utter are now...attachment clues.  I cannot get away from it, and I choose not to leave it behind.  Here is why:

Secure attachment (the highest standard of attachment styles) is a relationship style and strategy that I have found mirrors God's relationship style and strategy to me, to us, as far as my personal experience and theology is concerned.

I don't know about you, but God my Father comes at me with a new day every morning. He is an outpouring of gracious love and care unconditionally without end, and He thrives on our return of love through worship, service, and missional lives.

[Secure attachment exemplifies the consistent ability to give and receive care.]

God my Father is the same yesterday, today, and forever.  He does not change with the coming tides and winds.  Storms do not alter His love or His character.  He is rock solid.

[Secure attachment is founded on the security of an autonomous self]

And God my Father has a voice and is able to express all He is and all He desires from the world. Not only that, His words are loud and powerful and life-changing.

[Secure attachment is characterized by self-efficacy...that is, understanding your place, purpose, and voice in the world.]

But me?  On my best day?  Oh, I am not half of these things.  Under stress, probably none.
I try to act like everything is okay when my internal world is falling apart.  And, honestly?  I put emotional distance between myself and others when their burden may be too great for me to carry because of the weight of what I'm already carrying.  Sometimes?  I try to buy nice things for the people I love to compensate for lost quality time or experiences because I so often miss the mark.

[A dismissive adult attachment style will paint idealized pictures of their history or reality to avoid having to deal with any of it.  Or, they will avoid emotional connections that may challenge one to delve into their history.  They also become people who more comfortable with things than people.]

It doesn't stop there, though.  It's not that simple.  I don't just have one issue; I'm a bonafide mess.

Because I'm insecure half the time that I am not meeting my relationship obligations in every area of life, I can become controlling of my environment (those around me) and if I am doing well enough that moment to not reach out for control, I am intense and demanding and have expectations that are out of this world.

[An entangled adult attachment style is susceptible to boundary issues and seeks to meet their own needs by meeting the needs of others.  This leads to emotionally intense or controlling behaviors.]

I am well aware of my lack of deity and that no human can be expected to exist without some level of these deficiencies.  But, I've also been learning that we pass down all this mess as a parent to our children unless we do something to change it in the process, unless we find security somewhere. And isn't that what life looks like sometimes?  Grasping for security?

And then I remember that God has this perfection about His secure parenting of me.  And the way I figure it, the closer I draw in relationship to Him, the more secure I myself will become.  And not for the benefit of my pride.  Not even just for the benefit of the world around me.  But for the itty bitty me that calls me "MaMa" and needs to see the love and grace of God initially in my life.

Funny that it takes the motivation of becoming a parent to make you run back into the arms of your own Parent.  Funny that in independence we realize our need for dependence that much more.  This happens naturally when we give birth; all new mamas need their mama's help in their own way.  But, we, as children of God, are in great need of our Father as we try to navigate life, particularly this parenting landmine, as we are hoping upon hope that we will contribute to the LIFE and LOVE within our child and not all the fear, pain, and stress...that ultimately, we guide them to the source of all Security.

{All references of attachment theory here are my own summaries of material pulled from the training modules developed by Texas Christian University Institute of Child Development for Trust-Based Relational Intervention that I use as a TBRI* Educator.}