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The Ugly Nature of Clenched Fists

Somehow I had hardened inside and had not even realized I was running around so closed off. I had detected changes in myself and saw a disconnect from the workings of the Spirit. I knew something was off. I knew I needed to seek You for an answer but I wasn't softening enough to be able to hear. I couldn't feel the weight or tightness or impact. But then, I got so tired that I couldn't clench my jaw any longer. So I had to ask myself what was really wrong even though I didn't have an answer. I had forgotten that was the best place to be. Giving space for quiet was enough. The quiet softened my muscles and my heart. One slow breath at a time, I knew what was wrong. I was terrified and anxious and worried and feeling impatient about several things in my life and in order to feel the peace I felt I needed, I had secured control wherever I could until I was ugly and my face was distorted and hard and not soft at all. Looking for the familiar feeling of peace in all the wrong places and only finding the fake stuff. And so now I'm so glad I figured out where all the hard was coming from. Because that means I can find the softness again if I can just let go. One grip at a time. One balled up fist at a time. A week ago I asked myself why I felt like my fists were clenched so tightly. One worry at a time. Yesterday, one of my boys said it best when he read me Jesus' own words about worry: "don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Why did I think those words only mattered or were only a message for him? Little did I know God was trying to whisper a message to me. So glad I finally heard it. Now about this difficult business of surrendering control and letting go and experiencing true peace.

"I've been holding on so right. Look at these knuckles they've gone white. From fighting for who I want to be. I'm just trying to find security. But You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the one's who lose control. You say you will be everything I need. You say if I lose my life it's then ill find my soul. You say let it go." -tenth avenue north

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