KANSAS
As I drove away from the place I will probably always call my "home" today with a U-Haul and tears flowing from my eyes, I remembered the line of a David Crowder song:
The heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be / So beautiful and loud, fury-filled and we collide
It was the same line I had recalled the night before as I watched my little brother walk to his truck after we had said our final good-bye...and the pain in my chest had screamed.
It was the same line that echoed for the first hundred miles of my drive. As my heart broke. And as the grief set in.
Unfortunately, some things cannot be felt until the exact moment they are happening to you. For instance, you can't avoid the sadness that will slam you in the face as you leave by being prematurely sad...because you won't fully feel it until you are in fact leaving. I think reality and grief must be characterized by the present.
Today, as I left Kansas, my heart broke.
OKLAHOMA
But, I knew where I was going and I remembered why. God sent me every single perfect song through K-LOVE to focus my heart on hope and encourage the deepest pockets of my soul.
Until Satan started whispering.
What are you DOING?
Are you FOR REAL?
You are going all this way only to fail.
You can't do this.
You'll be fired for your incompetency and then foreclosed upon when you run out of money and this was the beginning of the downhill slide of your life.
Too bad you just left it all behind.
You had everything you needed.
You were comfortable.
Let's just say it was a long day in the car by myself and the enemy really tried to get to me. For the first time, probably because it was the first time it all felt completely real to me, I began doubting. Myself. And even God. I turned the music up louder. I prayed. The clouds would clear up and then form again. Thankfully, Truth and Hope will always prevail if you give them the chance. When you're begging Him, the Lord will give you clarity. He will speak His Truth even when you can't open your Bible. He will remind you of the what and the why and the how. And you'll remember: Oh yeah, this isn't about me. And oh yeah, I have NO IDEA how this all fits but its a part of a much greater, wonderful plan.
ARKANSAS
When you pull into the state of Arkansas, the roads are lined with trees and trees and trees at just about the greatest depth of anywhere else I have ever seen. It's very green. We drove for miles and miles of green. It was beautiful. And I was still asking for joy in the heartbreak and faith in the doubt and clarity in the fuzziness of transition. And then...a clearing off to the left amidst the masses of trees. And in the clearing that I just happened to have turned and to have witnessed, I saw the most beautiful scene. A small "mountain"...in a beautiful fog...with the sun shining through...and mossy grass....comparable to a scene from the Hollywood version of Pride and Prejudice. And I gasped. And then I realized. It's all trees right now for me. I'm here, and it's beautiful...all these trees. But slowly, I know, if I don't close my eyes and we keep on going, God will pull back the curtains for these clearings of the beauty of His plan and all He is doing. I won't always see it or know it...and sometimes it might just be some pretty (or ugly) trees. But the clearings will reveal His Truth as they did today. That is when I knew it would all be worth it. That is when I knew I could finish the drive to Monticello and start a new season of life there with only my best friend and the Lord.
As I drove away from the place I will probably always call my "home" today with a U-Haul and tears flowing from my eyes, I remembered the line of a David Crowder song:
The heart breaking makes a sound I never knew could be / So beautiful and loud, fury-filled and we collide
It was the same line I had recalled the night before as I watched my little brother walk to his truck after we had said our final good-bye...and the pain in my chest had screamed.
It was the same line that echoed for the first hundred miles of my drive. As my heart broke. And as the grief set in.
Unfortunately, some things cannot be felt until the exact moment they are happening to you. For instance, you can't avoid the sadness that will slam you in the face as you leave by being prematurely sad...because you won't fully feel it until you are in fact leaving. I think reality and grief must be characterized by the present.
Today, as I left Kansas, my heart broke.
OKLAHOMA
But, I knew where I was going and I remembered why. God sent me every single perfect song through K-LOVE to focus my heart on hope and encourage the deepest pockets of my soul.
Until Satan started whispering.
What are you DOING?
Are you FOR REAL?
You are going all this way only to fail.
You can't do this.
You'll be fired for your incompetency and then foreclosed upon when you run out of money and this was the beginning of the downhill slide of your life.
Too bad you just left it all behind.
You had everything you needed.
You were comfortable.
Let's just say it was a long day in the car by myself and the enemy really tried to get to me. For the first time, probably because it was the first time it all felt completely real to me, I began doubting. Myself. And even God. I turned the music up louder. I prayed. The clouds would clear up and then form again. Thankfully, Truth and Hope will always prevail if you give them the chance. When you're begging Him, the Lord will give you clarity. He will speak His Truth even when you can't open your Bible. He will remind you of the what and the why and the how. And you'll remember: Oh yeah, this isn't about me. And oh yeah, I have NO IDEA how this all fits but its a part of a much greater, wonderful plan.
ARKANSAS
When you pull into the state of Arkansas, the roads are lined with trees and trees and trees at just about the greatest depth of anywhere else I have ever seen. It's very green. We drove for miles and miles of green. It was beautiful. And I was still asking for joy in the heartbreak and faith in the doubt and clarity in the fuzziness of transition. And then...a clearing off to the left amidst the masses of trees. And in the clearing that I just happened to have turned and to have witnessed, I saw the most beautiful scene. A small "mountain"...in a beautiful fog...with the sun shining through...and mossy grass....comparable to a scene from the Hollywood version of Pride and Prejudice. And I gasped. And then I realized. It's all trees right now for me. I'm here, and it's beautiful...all these trees. But slowly, I know, if I don't close my eyes and we keep on going, God will pull back the curtains for these clearings of the beauty of His plan and all He is doing. I won't always see it or know it...and sometimes it might just be some pretty (or ugly) trees. But the clearings will reveal His Truth as they did today. That is when I knew it would all be worth it. That is when I knew I could finish the drive to Monticello and start a new season of life there with only my best friend and the Lord.
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